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Programme has freaked me out..... The one that beat appeared on....

believe252

believe252
Total Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2012

I'm sat here in tears thinking that I was going to get the strength and courage to face my problems but after hearing how much it effects family and friends how am I meant to do this knowing I'm going to hurt them but knowing I can't stop? This is so not what I needed....



Having a rant.... Sorry

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Posted on January 18, 2012 at 10:42 PM
6 Replies

aimee

aimee
Total Posts: 54
Joined: Aug 2011

re: Programme has freaked me out..... The one that beat appeared on....

I know just how you feel. The programme really made me feel guilty about what i've put my family through. I can't help feeling ashamed. However, I was encouraged by the bit at the end about genetic factors. You aren't to blame for a genetic disposition and, anyway, this does not mean we don't love our families dearly. This is an illness that, at the moment, we can't control. Please be kind to yourself and don't add guilt to the burden you're already carrying. It's not yours! Sending love,
Aimee

Posted on January 19, 2012 at 8:04 PM

beckime

beckime
Total Posts: 3
Joined: Jan 2012

re: Programme has freaked me out..... The one that beat appeared on....

Hey guys,

I am so, so sorry to hear that the programme impacted so negatively on you.

I think, deep down, we have to recognise that people are going to worry about us. People that care about us, and love us, will worry regardless of how we are and what we are doing - or not doing. It's part of being a family!

When we are poorly people are obviously going to worry more because they care about us and just want us to be well.

Believe, YOU don't hurt them - your eating disorder is the bit that causes the hurt. You are amazing to be developing the strength and courage you need so that you can speak to your family and friends. If you don't face everything, it won't get better - and hiding from it will only make it worse. Fighting your socks off and using everything you have to get better will be so much better for you, and at the same time the people around you.

My mum knew I had an eating disorder before I realised that there was an issue. I thought what I was doing was normal, I didn't see anything wrong with it. My parents knew before I did - so I didn't have to face telling my parents, but I did have to face telling the rest of my family and some of my close friends. There have been times since when I have relapsed and I've had to sit down with my parents and tell them that I've fallen back - and you know what, they have always said that they would much rather know the truth, than be fed lies. You are struggling with an illness, and any illness causes hurt to a family because it causes worry. If you were struggling with something else, I really doubt that you would feel anything like the guilt you are currently feeling now.... Eating disorders are an illness, they are not something we choose, they are not something we ask for - but they are something we can fight, with the right support.

You sound like you're in a place where you are really ready to fight against this and stare it right in the face. Don't lose your want for a better life. You are worthy and deserving of support and it's okay to ask for it. If a friend told you they were struggling with an eating disorder, you'd worry about them - but I'm sure you'd worry more if you knew something was wrong but couldn't work out what it was.... That's how the majority of people are. The people closest to you will know you aren't fine chick.... Be honest with them, face your fears, fight against your eating disorder and regain control of your life so you can go out and live it.

I feel awful for what I have put my family through and how scared anorexia has caused them to be for me. It's hard seeing them so scared, crying, begging and not knowing what to do - but I also know that it's because they care. It's because they love me that they react that way. I will always hold some hatred towards myself for the hurt I've caused - but I am also coming to realise that -I- didn't cause any of that hurt, not really, anorexia is a mallicious and manipulative illness, it's nasty and spiteful. As a person, when I'm doing a little better - I am nothing like anorexia. There is a difference between me and the illness, and I have to remember that, and that's what you guys need to remember too.

Aimee - you're so right. There is that genetic part and that is so important to take on board. You don't choose to develop an eating disorder, you didn't wake up one more and welcome it in to your life. You aren't to blame for struggling. Like I said, family will worry because it's what they do - but I know if one of my family members was struggling, I'd much rather know so I could be there for them, than to be kept out of it. That would hurt me much more.

I know those are the main parts you picked out of the programme but what about Megan who has fought so hard to be able to get to where she is? Her family were very worried about her, and I'm sure they still worry - but that doesn't mean they don't love her or have fantastic times with her. Her dad was very supportive and spoke quite openly on film about how things were and are. It is difficult for parents, but they are still there and deep down, they know it isn't us at those times that our eating disorders are in full force.

The end bit when the Dr who specialises in eating disorders and the brain make up said that it is NOT our fault. It isn't something we did or we do - it isn't something we chose or wanted. It isn't our fault. 'It's not my fault'. You can take responsibility for fighting, for being a nice person, for trying to beat your illness - but that isn't the same as accepting that you caused this, because you didn't. You really didn't.

Believe - speak to someone. Fight it, regain control of your life and live it in the way you want to. Go out and be whoever you want to be, do whatever you want to do and dream.

Posted on January 20, 2012 at 4:33 PM

aimee

aimee
Total Posts: 54
Joined: Aug 2011

re: Programme has freaked me out..... The one that beat appeared on....

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Right now I don't know what to say, am having a bad day, but Thank You!

Aimee

Posted on January 20, 2012 at 5:30 PM

believe252

believe252
Total Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2012

re: Programme has freaked me out..... The one that beat appeared on....

Hi am thank you all for your kind replies.



I'm having a hard time more now knowing my illness it going to effect everyone else when it's bad enough it already destroying my life. I thought at first I could do this by myself saying I control it etc I should be able to stop it.... How wrong was I? So very wrong I'm not in control of anything I do even this illness I don't control any of it, it's destroying and controlling me and doing a good job of it.



I can't now see myself telling doctors, family and friends about my illness as I could not cope with there upset for something I started. I know that sounds really bad but I already carry so much guilt around with me to do with my illness. The pain I would put them through would be massive I know some may be thinking that I have with the weight loss. I know I need to stop I know I have to stop as its going to carry on and kill me someday.but I don't know how...... It's scares me how scared I am. This is the first time I have actually wrote down that I have a problem so to actually say to someone more so someone I love and say I need help or how ever it came out would be destroying for me and others I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and I want to get off but I can't........



I don't know where to go from here.



I really liked most of the programme about the young girl etc what a fighter she has some courage I couldn't even imagine eating in front of someone. Very very brave girl.



Sorry your having a bad day Hun if you need to chat give me a shout may not be able to advise but here to listen

Posted on January 20, 2012 at 9:35 PM

aimee

aimee
Total Posts: 54
Joined: Aug 2011

re: Programme has freaked me out..... The one that beat appeared on....

Dear Beckime,

I'm sorry things are so hard for you. You're family will be upset to hear of your illness because they love you, but I know they would rather you were open about your problems than keeping them to yourself. It's only by being honest with people that we can get help and that is what your family would want for you. You can't beat this on yuour own and I'm sure no-one would want you to. Think of a friend you love. If they were ill would you prefer to know and be worried or that they kept it to themselves? Although it is worrying, you're actually valuing your family by talking to them as you're proving that you trust them.

I reemmber when I was first anorexic and "came out" to friends. I was totally shocked to find that they already knew! They'd been longing to help but, whilst I was saying "i'm ok" couldn't even talk to me about it. They were so relieved when I was open about it because they felt in a position to support me.

This illness is dangerous,so it's important to tell a Dr. Maybe your Mum could go with you? If talking to her is hard, can you write her a letter?

Let me know how you get on.

Love Aimee

Posted on January 25, 2012 at 12:18 PM

xxlauraxx

xxlauraxx
Total Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2012

re: Programme has freaked me out..... The one that beat appeared on....

I also watched this but with mymum, she knows about my bulimia which really made things worse for me. It scared the hell out of me but also it made me more determined to recover from this.

It is hard to recover and you can do it with the right help and support.

Laura xx

Posted on January 25, 2012 at 10:41 PM
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