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V old member but new post

lucyloo87

lucyloo87
Total Posts: 35
Joined: Jul 2011

Hey I haven't posted in a long long time I used to post quite regular about 2 years ago but stopped and just stuck to reading instead. I'm really struggling at the minute not just with food but with everything I'm going seeing a "clinical psychologist" on Monday and I'm scared. Anyone to talk up would be much appreciated smiling Xx

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Posted on January 19, 2013 at 11:15 PM
18 Replies

Adele

Adele
Total Posts: 320
Joined: Jul 2011

re: V old member but new post

Hey Lucy, how'd it go with the psychologist?

Hope you're ok, I know I used to talk to you back along smiling

aml Adele

Posted on February 08, 2013 at 8:58 PM

lucyloo87

lucyloo87
Total Posts: 35
Joined: Jul 2011

re: V old member but new post

Hi Adele

Yes I remember you how are you??

The psycologist went....... erm a bit disapointing. She was really nice and she seemed to understand exactly where I was coming from and how I felt, she said she was worried about me yet after the assesment she said there was now another waiting list to start therapy. I seen a CBT therapist in December who said I was "to complex for her " I just feel like im waiting and on edge all the time for someone to help me yet nothing seems to be happening



How have you been doing recently??



Love Lucy Xx

Posted on February 11, 2013 at 1:20 PM

Adele

Adele
Total Posts: 320
Joined: Jul 2011

re: V old member but new post

Yeh, that's the problem, so many waiting lists which just make you feel like you are not important enough. I know that when I was first diagnosed with ana they put me on a waiting list for 14 months and it was only when things became too bad that they sped things up I'm suprised that your CBT therapist told you that because I am sure that CBT would at least help part of your disorder which may enable the other complex issues to become better adressed or at least give yourself the capacity to tackle them better.

I have been better, I am currently nursing a broken shoulder which after 8wks still hasn't healed and I am trying to do what the doctor tells me and what the physio tells me and therefore it gets very sore, but I just remember back to the post-surgical pain and nothing is that bad! Eating is not sure but I am very fed up now and I can't work cos my shoulder can't stand up to the stresses of my job and Ican't ride currently so am very very fed up.



Hope you are doing ok.



Hugs xxx

Posted on February 11, 2013 at 7:20 PM

lucyloo87

lucyloo87
Total Posts: 35
Joined: Jul 2011

Hey

Hey
Ouch a broken shoulder, I cant even begin to imagine how painful that must be how did you do that? How long is it going to take before you can work/ride again? Is there anything you can do in the meantime to keep busy (without hurting your shoulder more of course)



I had CBT a few years ago with the eating disorder service in my area I found it helped but not really long term as old habits are just easy to fall back into. I've been seeing a counsellor at uni for over a year now on and off and she has helped more than anyone else i've ever seen I think its because shes not target driven and seems to understand what I'm saying (if she doesnt shes a good lier lol)



I just hate waiting around I understand theres waiting lists but It just seems like if you look ok they seem to leave you as long as possible regardless of how rubbish you feel. Plus i've just found out the doctor I have been seeing every couple of weeks has resigned and left the surgery!!!



Are you still getting some help at the minute? Do you have friends you can talk to about things



Sending lots of hugs



Love Lucy Xx

Posted on February 15, 2013 at 7:17 PM

Adele

Adele
Total Posts: 320
Joined: Jul 2011

re: V old member but new post

Hey Lucy,

I too see my gp every 3 or 4 weeks and it has been really helpful, That must be so hard for you right now, building up that trust and rappor with someone over sth so difficult and then it's taken just like that. I'm very lucky, he's a long-term partner so I don't think he's leaving anytime soon.

It sounds good what you have with your uni counsellor . Allowing you to go at your own pace, setting targets but them not having to be met in a certain time frame,


I'm going to ride again next week hopefully, Work will be the end of March that I'm back and hopefully the bone will finally be healed by then!



What are you studying at uni and hope everything's ok? Hugs xxxx

Posted on February 21, 2013 at 9:23 PM

bethan

bethan
Total Posts: 83
Joined: Apr 2012

re: V old member but new post

how did you break your shoulder? sorry if thats a silly question.

im kinda scared about uni next year. want to be self catered not sure if that will make things better or worse in terms of my ED.

im also seeing a councellor on off as my ED cam back and im replasing. im not in touch with my GP though as i dont really like doctors they kinda scare me with all the weighing and pressure.



hope your both doing well though



love bee x x

Posted on February 26, 2013 at 9:48 AM

lucyloo87

lucyloo87
Total Posts: 35
Joined: Jul 2011

re: V old member but new post

Hi both

Hope your all ok?

Adele - Hope your shoulders getting better have you managed to get out for a ride? It has been hard with the doctor situation, I've cancelled two appointments with a new doctor coz I cant face explaining all to a new person again, I know they have medical notes so they'll know whats been going on but it takes me ages to trust people and I just cant face it at the minute. I've just got an appointment through to start therapy next week surprised its far quicker than I expected, i expected another year long waiting list.

Im doing a drama degree at the minute I finish my second year in May. I took a massive gap in education and went back studying when I was 24 What do you do as work? Do you enjoy it? Other than your GP do you see anyone else such as a counsellor/therapist etc

Hi Bethan

I totally understand about being scared about uni I was older when I went back to uni so I never did the whole living in halls thing but i was so much older than everyone on my course it took me a while to settle in. What are you going to be studying? With regards to the self catering thing - if you didnt go self catered would it help you knowing you have set meals and meal times or would it make you panic more? Would you feel comfortable cooking for yourself? I know with me I find it easier when people make food for me, I never make food for myself it just never seems to be a priority in my day to day life.

Thinking of you both

Hugs, Lucy Xx

Posted on February 26, 2013 at 3:32 PM

Adele

Adele
Total Posts: 320
Joined: Jul 2011

re: V old member but new post

It was a horse-riding accident Bethan, a youngster threw me of sad

What are you going to be studying at uni next year? In a way self-catered may help you because at least you will be able to cook and eat what you fancy rather than worrying about what the caterers might cook, and also you will be able to eat at your convenience rather than whenever the caterers decide. Also it might end up cheaper cos if you decided you don't want what the caterers are offering you will have to go and buy sth else too. Ultimately whether you do or don't go catered, I don't think it will change anything with regard to food avoidance, sth which I guess you are worried about. Ultimately if you decided sth like that it will happen regardless.

I'm glad you can talk to your therapist at least. I see a therapist but also my gp. I am lucky cos he doesn't make me do things if I don't want to, like he has never fought with me to get a weight. Sometimes he plants seeds and they grow like bone scan or blood tests but it's very easy going. Does your therapist help?

Hugs xxx

Posted on February 26, 2013 at 6:35 PM

bethan

bethan
Total Posts: 83
Joined: Apr 2012

re: V old member but new post

haya guys.

im hoping to study physiotherapy at uni. i had in interview last week and i have another coming up.

ohhh adele i totally get where your coming from my horse has chucked me off so many times iv lost count. lucky no broken bones yet. i probely shouldnt say that as next time i come off might do some damge.


to both of you, thats what im not sure about yes it would be better timer wise adn cheaper and probably less scary for me.. but hopefully by the time i get there will will have gotten my self out of my terrible replase.

i reacted to something that was said this evening, litterally went off like a bomb just for the fact they said i ate well. i felt angry all of a sudden i shouted and said i didnt want them to comment. i feel uncomfortable and just feel I want to hide in a hole and never come out again.



thanx for the vertual hugs i love hugs and really needed them right now,



hugs right back to both



love bee xx

Posted on February 26, 2013 at 9:01 PM

Adele

Adele
Total Posts: 320
Joined: Jul 2011

re: V old member but new post

Is it September that you would start uni Bethan and have you spoken to your therapist about your current situation? You have a horse too, yay I've been pretty lucky really, I've ridden since I was 5 years old and have only had two bad accidents in that time, both in the last few years but being a rider full stop and an eventer at that, I guess it comes with the territory!



I also react badly to people commenting on what I eat so don't worry that's totally normal I think.


Physio sounds great. I just enquired about doing an animal physiotherapy course but it's too expensive at the moment so will try and teach myself to some degree at the moment.



Hope all's ok, aml Adele

Posted on February 27, 2013 at 2:27 PM

Adele

Adele
Total Posts: 320
Joined: Jul 2011

re: V old member but new post

Hi Lucy, just read your post too, my mind has gone out of order! I am going to start riding very soon, it sounds stupid but I am so scared of my mother having a go at me about it, I am a grown woman, I should be able to decide for myself when I can ride again,

It's really good that your appointment has come through so quickly, amazing! I can totally understand why you have cancelled your appointments thus far, but like you say the notes will be there already, and sometimes people are more empathetic than you give them credit for, especially in a 'caring' profession. It always takes time to build up some rapport.



Drama sounds fun, I bet it's a good escape from the reality of life at times, that's what my riding is for me, an escape


How are you getting on?



Hugs xxx

Posted on February 27, 2013 at 2:34 PM

bethan

bethan
Total Posts: 83
Joined: Apr 2012

re: V old member but new post

ridding is a great escape i find. just you and your horse (or the horse your riding)
yeah Adele iv been riding for about 8 years now i guess, i dont do anything serious just hacking local shows and stuff. so do you ride for a carrier then? sorry i probably sound very stupid.

haya lucy i think i already replied to your post in one of my earlier responces so just thought id say hi and hows things going really.

hugs to all

love bee xxx

Posted on February 27, 2013 at 8:35 PM

Adele

Adele
Total Posts: 320
Joined: Jul 2011

re: V old member but new post

Hey, I've been riding since I was 5, 22 years now! I don't ride for owners just for myself, I did want a career in eventing but I didn't want it to be a huge pressure like work is for me, I want to enjoy it without the stress of it being a business. I am ultra competitive though and always looking to move up a level and win! smiling

Am doing ok, feeling very low at the moment and have done for some time. My gp says that I don't have depression but I don't know? When you can't get enjoyment from things and everything is an effort?

Anyways, how are you?

hugs xx

Posted on March 04, 2013 at 7:46 PM

bethan

bethan
Total Posts: 83
Joined: Apr 2012

re: V old member but new post

why are you down at the moment adele .?



maybe if you can work out why your feeling down you can then find away to become happier again.



i guess if things are an effort you have to think that the more effort you put into something the more you will get out of it.



im ok. been rejected from two of the three unis i applied for which was a massive downer. i have an other interview tomorrow though so i hope that goes better.



my ed is pretty strong right now and people are really beginnig to realise that its happening again. im so ashamed and scared of losing all the work that i have put into this year and being kicked out of school again. my mum says im messing my life up. shes makes me feel so rubbish about it like its something that i can suddenly change or that its something that i enjoy or am doing on purpose.



hopefully she doesnt mean it.



keep trying to smile adele



love bee xx

Posted on March 05, 2013 at 12:46 PM

Adele

Adele
Total Posts: 320
Joined: Jul 2011

re: V old member but new post

Hi Bethan. People just don't understand do they. I got told off tonight because I was feeling really tired. I got bombarded with 'you don't have anything to be tired over, you don't do anything'. That's not true. People just don't care about me. I'm not allowed to show any emotion and just get called stupid all of the time.



This isn't fun, it isn't enjoyment and if either of us knew how to get out of it, we'ld be out of it by now. Try not to worry about your unis although I know it's stressful at the time. I got rejected from 3 out of the 4 I applied to, with no interview at any of them and what's more, I got those 3 rejections before I even heard if I had an interview for the 4th or not. Things seem to work out somehow.



You only have a few months left at school, less with exams and I don't think that they want to kick you out or put you down a year and I know that you can get through this, I have every faith that you will do well in your exams. Focus on what you want to achieve and do whatever you can to achieve it. I know with that you will succeed.



Hugs xxx

Posted on March 05, 2013 at 10:00 PM

bethan

bethan
Total Posts: 83
Joined: Apr 2012

re: V old member but new post

my interview went pretty well today. i was so glad it was warm in there as my hands are like normally cold. i know i need to do something when i am me i nkow its wrong. but when i lose who i am in the anorexia then i get depressed , angry, tired and i justwant to stick with ED behaviours. its so hard to keep myself. its like im jackle and hyde. it changes. im all emotional one minuite im up the next im crying histerically, people dont know what to think or how to be around me.



seeing a councillor again tomorrow. part of my thinks i should get in touch with the ed team but the other part is too scared cos I feel they all most recked my life last time. too much involvment and pressure and school will not have me if they find out how ill i am again,

my mum said she has given up on me and I feel is punishing me for not being about to fight it again.

she just cant live through it again.. i have appologised but she just cant see that im trying.



where did you end up? and what did you study?



sorry im kinda emotional writing this.



thank you so much adele



bee xx

Posted on March 06, 2013 at 8:53 PM

Adele

Adele
Total Posts: 320
Joined: Jul 2011

re: V old member but new post

Whatever happens with this interview do not give up on your dream and ambition! I know plenty of vets who didn't get in first time around and then spent a year doing work experience and got in a year later, and they all deserve it as do you!!!!

I can feel your pain and I know that if this interview doesn't give you the result you want that it will upset you BUT i feel everything happens for a reason and I hear that your ed is very strong at the moment so perhaps IF it doesn't work out then maybe its time to take the time and get better, then go for your dream I also know someone who studied physiotherapy doing the distanced learning approach and now has a successful business so there are always options.

I wish non-sufferers could grasp just how powerful anorexia is and controls you and how hard it is to escape, that you need support to accomplish that. Your mum sounds like she is struggling, could you direct her to a carer's support group? Also, I don't think there is any shame in getting in contact with your ed team before things get really bad again, they have a duty of care to keep things confidential from your school and also like I said, with only two months to go for you, NOBODY wants to take you away from your A-Levels, they only want to support you at this time.



Hugs, hope you're doing ok. xxxxxx

Posted on March 07, 2013 at 12:52 PM

bethan

bethan
Total Posts: 83
Joined: Apr 2012

re: V old member but new post

i think the interview went ok.

i got my results for my resits today they were much better then when i last took them but not quite good enough so if XXXXX offer me a place then i will retake if not i will concentrate on my A2 and go and take a year out. il probably do human biology alevel in a year and get some more experiance then reaply.



so hopefully they will want me then. i guess its not a personal thing they all just want the best people. and this year i might not be the best person.



theres always hope. im not going to give up just yet.



i wish non sufferes understood as well. but i wouldnt wish it on my worst enamy. sorry i really cant spell, my school arent supportive thats why i cant wait to leave. not too long now.



how are you doing adele? im having an ok day i hope you are too xx

Posted on March 07, 2013 at 6:26 PM
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