Total Posts: 7
Joined: Oct 2011
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Hi to everyone.
Im still currently going through recovery from anorexia nervosa, and the last few months (although really rocky) have been generally positive.
Im seeing a councillor where I get weighed weekly, and have been putting weight on steadily, and although my family and friends are really pleased with this, i still can help shaking the feeling that I want to STOP!
Ive reached a weighed where I feel anymore and ill be totally uncomfortable.
Somebody at the place where I work yesterday made a comment about me recently having put weight on (as i havn't seen them in a while). Although they were saying it in a positive and encouraging way, saying i looked better for it, i found this extremely upsetting and as though my natural reaction was to lose it again because i believe i looked better before.
Other people have also said that i look well again, but all i can think about it the weight that ive put on and how much bigger it makes me look.
Has anyone else experienced a similar thing when it comes to putting weight back on during recovery?... It really is a battle of two voices!
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Posted on January 23, 2012 at 9:32 AM
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Total Posts: 30
Joined: Jan 2012
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re: Unhelpful Comments...
That's absolutely normal hon, especially for where you're at at the moment. I know it's hard, but please know that you're not alone. And you can get through this. I still haven't been able to shake that feeling. I'm quite a way down the recovery path now, but those automatic, almost reactionary feelings are still there. HOWEVER, what I can do, what I do try and do now, is change how I ACT on them, how I REACT to them...
I imagine it a bit like two train carriages that were previously coupled together. My anorexia made me think that those feelings, those automatic, unconscious reactions WERE reality. No questions asked. I felt fat, therefore I was fat. I felt ugly, therefore I was ugly. When people said I looked 'well,' it meant they thought I looked fat. End of. So one carriage is the automatic reaction, the other carriage is 'reality.' Uncouple them. Just because you think / believe / feel certain things doesn't necessarily mean they're real. What you need to do is work out a way of looking at them more objectively, of assessing them first BEFORE you react to them.
So another way I also thought about it was imagining the situation that I was in happening in like a bubble, maybe one of those globes you get. Then I imagined stepping out of the situation and looking 'into' it, as though from outside the bubble, or from a camera on a wall or from a passer-by etc. You step out of the anorexic mindset and try to see what someone else might see, you know, more 'objectively.' You might have put on weight, yes, but it is weight that is needed to restore you to health, in both mind and body. Weight that was previously lost and is now being gained to help you chemically, biologically and mentally get back to health again. It does not mean that you are 'fat.' People say you look 'well' because they genuinely do believe you're starting to look brighter, with more sparkle, with probably thicker hair and more rosy skin, more life and spirit again. It does not mean that they think you're fat. (My auntie said to me that my eyes regained their sparkle, that's why I mentioned that word.)
Part of it is called Mindfulness. I think you can look it up on the web. Part of it is anyway, with a few little idiosyncrasies from me lol. But I wonder if any of that helps? Maybe gives you a way to see it, even deal with it, a bit better...? I'm not saying that all of your automatic reactions aren't real, of course not. But the practice of noticing first your automatic thoughts, assessing them and THEN acting on them sort of gives you some breathing space to try and filter out where the anorexic mindset comes in.
I don't know if any of that makes sense, it's probably confused you even more! Apologies if so. They were just a couple of images I developed in my head as I went along recovery to help me understand how I was feeling. But you ARE being strong by recognising these things. It's OKAY to feel them. Now get back some of the control that your anorexia is trying to take from you and decide how YOU react and respond to them. And remember, there's so many people that are here for you hon. If you need to, keep talking about it, reasoning it out. It will get better. Much love, M xxxxx
Posted on February 13, 2012 at 7:01 PM
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Total Posts: 4
Joined: Feb 2012
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re: Unhelpful Comments...
Ah, it sounds like a well intentioned comment, but I can see why you thought that, as I would probably would automatically think that too. It's a shame they mentioned weight, instead of just saying you are looking well. Just try to get through each day. I battle everyday . xxx
Posted on February 24, 2012 at 3:57 PM
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