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re: Any other athletes?

Hey, I don't come on here so much anymore but I saw your post and it reminded me a little of me. I'm not a runner, I'm an eventer in my spare time and it's the one real thing which keeps me eating so that I have the ability to train and ride well, and concentrate on the fences. You have to use your running like I use my eventing, as motivation to stay healthy and try and eat properly.

With that one thing that you love more than anything else, anything is possible.

Adele xx

Posted on June 13, 2014 at 3:20 PM

re: What do you do when you just can't try anymore?

Thank you all for replying, it means a lot. Truth is life is so busy and work is so busy; I often feel like I am walking a balance beam and just managing not to fall off, then you get a metaphoric shove or knock back and you're gone.

How is everyone? Emma, haven't heard from you for ages, you ok? Magnolia, are you new?

The consultant made me be weighed. Generally I, and many may disagree am well rounded, take things in my stride, have no fear (I'm an eventer!) but doing that, genuinely gave me panic attacks and I have never trembled so uncontrollably ever in my life and I apparently have to do it again sad

Am I being disillusioned by believing that if you get referred to a hospital then it would be courteous of them to acknowledge their referral to you? A letter to say that you have been placed on a waiting list or even rejected? It's been 4mths since referral (the psychiatrist is at a more local service) and nothing! I think it's impolite and not a good reflection upon the general code of the service or do I just expect too much? People to be diligent and courteous, to acknowledge your existence and strife, especially when you are reaching out inspite of internal conflict and ambivalence?

Hey ho, let me know how you all are. I really appreciate the support!

Posted on April 07, 2014 at 11:17 PM

re: Not coping!!!!

I completely get it. I often feel like that too and sometimes you just need to take a step back and recharge because the effort and mental struggle behind getting well is too much to bear. You have two sides telling you completely opposite and conflicting things, and often you just don't know which one to trust.

Everytime I see my gp I think that I'm going to be wasting his time, but it always suprises me how supportive and empathetic he is, and patient. So perhaps, you could go again and say how much you are struggling because it sounds like things are pretty low right now sad

Am so sorry about your mum too.

Hope you're doing ok xxxx

Posted on March 08, 2014 at 6:31 PM

What do you do when you just can't try anymore?

I haven't been on the boards for a while, I have tried and I have tried to change, to feel worthy of recovery, to feel like a good person, to feel like I deserve to be ok. It gets to a point where I am exhausted. I am exhausted physically and mentally, I want to care but I just don't have the energy. I have to get on with 'it', keep going because that is my ethos, it's inbred but no-one seems to understand or care how much of a struggle it is and honestly, what can anyone do? If I am at work I can not deal with the pressure, if I am at home I can not deal with the guilt or lack of activity.

I can not deal with my weight. I can not deal with my mood. I talk to my gp who is fantastic but if I am not in the right mindset then going there seems to be a waste of time albeit I feel supported. So for once I did not accept the offer of another appointment but I know what happened last time I did that.

I have a counsellor but at best I can see her once a week because she only works once a week privately, but it is also expensive.

I am under local psych services currently but I am scared that at my re-appointment they will not see how grim things really are. They say they have referred me back to ed services but I have heard nothing in over 6wks, not even a letter to say they have accepted or not accepted as I can only now assume, my referral.

There are a lot of things I can not say on here that I feel, but what I can say is that I no longer know how to find the strength to try because my mood has vacated me. I just seem to run on empty and do what needs to be done to get by and nothing more.

I read this and think, yes I am lucky, I seem to have a lot of support in place, but none of that seems to make a difference when you are in my head space, and therefore I just don't know what to do.

Hope everyone's ok, Adele xx

Posted on March 05, 2014 at 8:57 PM

re: What To Do?

What did they say to you at your assessment seasand? Did they discuss any diagnoses with you and what it might mean for you in the future? I know that the NHS is overstretched but what I can't seem to comprehend is that when I/you/someone is in emotional distress now which is detrimental to your health, how can it be ok to address it in 2mths, 6mths, a year or more? How can it be ok to allow this illness to grow, and for me to the point that it feels like it has gone too far to cure?

They have said to me that they will book an appointment with the consultant psychiatrist and that then I may be able to get more answers and actual diagnoses. I am really worried that if they take a dislike to me because I am afraid to open up, that they won't help me. For me, when I am stumm is just as dangerous as when I am visibly distressed, often worse.

I also have no idea when this appointment will be, could even be January

Let me know how you're going.

Hugs xxx

Posted on November 19, 2013 at 1:54 PM

re: What To Do?

Hi guys, sorry I've been a bit absent, have been struggling a bit with being the brave face, coping yet supporting.

Thank you for remembering about me sea sand, how are you? I know that you were looking into support groups and it was near impossible, I also know how financially difficult it is to afford private counselling, how far forwards are you?

Starfish, I'm an equine vet, I also occassionally do cattle. I don't get it how ppl just continue to pass the buck, like occupational health when all often ppl need is some stability and to be steered in the right direction with support Are you final year med skl now?

So, I've had the assessment which has left me even more confused and distressed than previously. The problem is, all I want is transparency and someone to know what to do and to help me do it because I don't know. So, you can imagine my initial upset when the letter first said that the venue had car prking, only for the appendix to say that there was no car parking available. It might sound silly that sth that little can bother me so much but it breaks the trust, saying one thing and then in the same breath saying sth completely opposite, it makes me feel like if the service can't even be clear about that, how on earth can they be clear about more complex things??

In addition, they said in the letter that after the assessment someone wld call you within two days to discuss it. All I had was a letter 7 days afterwards with a list of provisional diagnoses, one diagnosis that I've never had before in addition to the ed one and one that I don't understand. How can someone decide something like that in only 20 minutes of talking to you? They don't even know me. My gp agress that the provisional diagnosis is far fetched, he says that I have no similarities to other ppl who he knows that have it and having read about it I agree. I see the ed list and it's tick, tick, tick. I see this list and I don't get it.

So already, two deceptive lies, plus a far fetched diagnosis from a 'comprehensive' assessment of me, leaves me entirely mistrusting of a service which I am meant to trust to help me get better. Can anyone understand now why I am so distressed by this?

For someone like me who requires complete transparency and honesty, and for a trained mental health professional to be like that, no wonder that I am in the state I am.

I hope you are all ok, I really appreciate your support.

aml, Adele xxx

Posted on November 14, 2013 at 9:45 PM

re: relapse after doing well

Hey, I just wanted to say that you are not alone and don't have to be. Has anything changed since you wrote this post? Could you seek some support from your gp or maybe get referred to an ed clinic? I really struggle as well but we just have to keep that hope that things can and will change, otherwise what is there?

Hugs, aml Adele

Posted on November 07, 2013 at 8:44 PM

re: What To Do?

Hey, welcome and thanks for the advice. I really feel that I will ebenfit from dugs and have done in the past but the effect has always plateaued and then dropped off but this time I am really struggling and need sth desperately to help.

The appointment was very short today and the lady said she doesn't think I will get better and I sld face facts and that I will struggle with this forever. How's that for motivation? But she will refer me to a psychiatrist so I suppose that's sth but who knows when that will be.

Anyway, thanks for replying.

Adele xx

Posted on November 06, 2013 at 6:24 PM

re: Struggling with motivation

I said on the other post too Emma, but the time that you are pushing people away is the time that you really need them most, more so than when you are distressed and I think you sld just bite the bullet and go back. What wld you say to me roles reversed???

Hugs xxxx

Posted on November 06, 2013 at 6:15 PM

re: For Emily (Emz93); Aimie (Destiny); Emma (Daisychains); Joey, Juliette and Everyone.

Hey. Wow 3 jobs Emma, goodness, that's a lot and are you sure you can manage all three what with uni and your masters? When do you get time to relax? I think the time when you push ppl away tends to be the time that you need them most, I know that's true with me. When I am in the mood that I just don't care, it is just as dangerous as when I am visbly distressed...perhaps worse. Why don't you e-mail your counsellor again and go for an appointment so at least youi don't feel trapped alone with all your thoughts? It's a good idea and I really think you need it huni. xx

As for me, I had my mental health/psych assessment today...the last one I had was at least an hour and I am worried that this one was only 20 minutes and they just didn't seem interested. I asked her if I was ever going to feel well again, and she quite literally said 'no' she didn't think so and that drugs are unlikely to help me and that I sld prepare myself to live and feel like this forever. But then she said, I will refer you to the psychiatrist and you can ask them? She said that cld be 2 months away, but I am in trouble now, more so than ever before can someone give me that little hope???

I don't know where that leaves me now. My private counsellor said it's a relapse and that the anorexia is back and I've visibly lost weight but it doesn't feel like that.

uggggg, now I'm the one ranting, I'm just confused.

Hugs Emma, hugs Goloving xxxx

Posted on November 06, 2013 at 6:07 PM

re: For Emily (Emz93); Aimie (Destiny); Emma (Daisychains); Joey, Juliette and Everyone.

Hi guys, thank you for replying, things have been really very tough the last few weeks and I'm just struggling so much and knowing where to turn, or who to turn to because thus far really only my gp has ever helped in a manner that suits me. And it got to a point where I just didn't think I cld even manage another minute, I just don't want to stay inside my own head any longer, I've lost direction and I am losing hope. I don't really remember what it is like to feel well.

I've been given an assessment date with the local mental health team who can assess any furthe treatment I need. I am petrified that they will cast me aside and I am petrified that I have to struggle through another week without help, maybe it will be ok but I do not feel well. The other thing is the appointment is right in the middle of the day when I am meant to be at work and I am meant to be on duty also, how I am even going to manage to ask for the time off? Especially when I've just had the last 2.5 weeks off as well. I know that no-one will understand.

What's been happening with you guys? GoLoving, you said that you've been struggling? What's happened huni?

Hugs, xxx, Thanks for being there. xxx

Posted on October 31, 2013 at 5:43 PM

re: For Emily (Emz93); Aimie (Destiny); Emma (Daisychains); Joey, Juliette and Everyone.

Is anyone around at the moment to talk to??

Hope you're all ok, aml Adele xxx

Posted on October 30, 2013 at 3:25 PM

re: I just don't know what to do anymore!!!

Hey, only just seen this post. How are you at the moment?

Adele xx

Posted on October 30, 2013 at 3:23 PM

re: Kiddng Myself?

Hey, I think it will make you feel better about yourself if it is successful but I also do know that they can have various complications also and inspite of that it still won't remove the emotional thoughts. Everytime I lose weight I keep thinking I will feel better but do I actually? Did you when you were in the grips of your anorexia?

So, me personally I would do it but I would also be aware that it won't remove the deep emotional side of things, I feel it won't be a cure but perhaps a partial help and it can have various complications (hopefully not).

I notice that this post is old so what did you decide?

Posted on October 30, 2013 at 3:20 PM

What To Do?

So basically, I had been coping as best as it's probably going to get and then everything crashed. I basically plucked up the courage to talk to my gp eventually, and he listened and referred me for a psych assessment and said we cld try some new medication which maybe is helping but today I have a lot of anxiety and fear, sth which the meds sld help with.

He asked me if I needed more time off, like I was ever going to say yes but the truth is I feel like I do, I have a high pressured job, access to stuff, and I am worried but also know that maybe once I get back into the swing of things, things might be better. Distraction maybe?

But I feel lack lustre, lack of oomph or emotion, I just can not be bothered. But what can this assessment team actually do? Refer me for more, yet more talking which hasn't helped. What can talking change? Change my drugs? What if they suspend my license to practice? Sld I be honest or clever? Or is clever being honest, or guarded honest? Sld I even go to this assessment, it's not like I can say to work I won't be in because I am having a mental health assessment.

I hadn't s/h in more than a year til recently, always the ed behaviours but none of the other which had never served purpose previously and I just cldn't see the point but sth changed and I was angry, worried.

I am never going to be one of those who screams and shouts hysterically, who says exactly how it is, I am always going to be 'I'm fine' until I fall down.

Yeh, it's tough.

Hope you are all ok, aml Adele

Posted on October 30, 2013 at 3:14 PM

re: assessment doubts and insecurities

Hey. I hear your problem and had the same myself, a gp or two or three not taking things seriously. It wasn't planned that a saw a fourth and a fifth, just chance but those two and especially the second listened, really listened and took things seriously, and offered me the support that I need/needed and even now two years on I can go and see him once a month or more often just to talk and for meds as necessary, so I guess that you cld try the same, another gp with more time and less angst? The one I see is a partner in the practice and I guess that means he can do what he feels right without answering to anyone and I am ever so grateful for that, it means I can be honest. Perhaps yours is concerned that you will lean on them for more support than they can offer?

I don't know what you do about the waitlist, I had to wait 14 months inspite of an ana diagnosis and it was hellish but who can afford private? Not me.

Hugs, I feel your pain. xxx aml Adele

Posted on October 30, 2013 at 3:02 PM

re: For Emily (Emz93); Aimie (Destiny); Emma (Daisychains); Joey, Juliette and Everyone.

Hey Emma, am guessing you now have a therapist at uni then, finally! She sounds perfect for you, challenging without being pushey, do you think things have improved??

Am right of the edge of my ability to cope at the minute and to concentrate, it's becoming very difficult but I had a little pick me up last week in that my eventing class went very very well, my boy is a superstar and jumped some super big and tricky fences en route to clear in his XC with barely any time faults. My coach is talking about intermediates next year which is just the one step down from advanced affiliated wise but I reckon we'll stick with novice for a bit and get good at that first before we go any bigger, plus season is finished now and time for a well earnt rest.

Hope you're doing ok hun. Hugs xxx

Posted on October 07, 2013 at 8:27 PM

re: For Emily (Emz93); Aimie (Destiny); Emma (Daisychains); Joey, Juliette and Everyone.

It's SOOOOO good to hear from you all, I've really missed you and I was really worried about coming back here because I thought that after all this time I should be fixed and that I don't deserve or merit anymore support. And I've just told my gp who's been amazing that I'm going to see how it goes without him, but the truth is that I need that support network but yet again I don't feel like I sld be accepting it and I feel awkward because it's a one way relationship, and I've been going every month

That's a great degree result Emma, especially with everything else going on, you must or at least sld be so proud of yourself!! Is your help at home or is it at uni? Is it for your eating?

I'm rubbish too cs, I just thought that everyone had gone and were doing fine and I didn't want to cling on when you guys were all so good :/ I struggle with work too and esepcially when it's 9pm or midnight and most ppl have a glass in front of the tv all curled up and I'm on my way to a colic or sth ..... and I'm struggling with coping at the mo. Don't worry about what you said to your T tho' cos I reckon if I was a T I wld want ppl to be angry and show emotion and stuff cos it'ld give me sth to focus on and to work with! There's probbaly nothing more frustrating than me who sits there all politely and justifies my every comment and action! It's eventing that I do, similar!! And we are going to step it up a level this week, the 2nd rung down from top level so pretty exciting! It's always a level playing field between professionals and amateurs and I get to ride against some pretty amazing ppl and can and do occassionally beat them, like the one we won! That was the highlight of my life, we even made a fairly famous equestrian magazine But you know what's it's like, good things pick you up momentarily and then crash

How are you doing Kitty? Do you feel ashamed cos you sldn't, we all struggle although it's difficult to tell ppl how you are but if you don't it'll just eat away at you and that's not good for anyone. Are you seeing anyone professionally at the moment?

Hugs to you all, Adele xxxx

Posted on September 30, 2013 at 9:27 PM

re: For Emily (Emz93); Aimie (Destiny); Emma (Daisychains); Joey, Juliette and Everyone.

Hey Emma, I don't think that I got an e-mail with your message or I wld've replied sooner!

I guess your course is long since finished and you're about to start your masters, how'd you do?

Things have been completely crazy for me, trying to please everyone like normal and myself coming last but what are you meant to do when otherwise your actions wld put you in a hostile environment? I sld've had the plate taken out of my shoulder months ago and have been having to postpone and postpone cos it's not convenient. Therefore, have taken zero holiday and have ended up working months or end with no pause. I'm exhausted, mentally, physically and in any other way possible!

My horse and I won our eventing class recently though and have qualified for regionals and are going to move up a level now, to jump higher, so that's pretty exciting but apart from that it's all badness.

How are you? And everyone else who's still reading this? CS?

Hugs, aml Adele

Posted on September 10, 2013 at 8:32 PM

re: I've been in and out of hospital, and i'm not sure i see a day without this disorder

I know someone who has really struggled, and been through inpatient treatment and is now an out patient, so recovery is possible. I believe that with willpower and determination you can do this

I am glad that you have found this place, everyone is so supportive here. Recovery can be difficult but for me it has been worth it.

I know you can do this, seize all your support and all your willpower and go for it.

Hugs xxx

Posted on June 05, 2013 at 3:20 PM
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