|
Viewing 1 to (29 Total) |
|
The trip to the States sounds wonderful, you really deserve some respite. Have you lived over there before, or is it just a place you really enjoy going back to?
I hope the meal goes well too. Is there any way you can plan ahead, to make yourself feel a bit less nervous? Like, have a look at the menu and see if there's something you're more comfortable eating, rather than dealing with it all on the night?
I've been thinking, you know. Even if someone had told me right at the start of all this...and they did...I still don't think it would have changed much in my own head. I'm getting worried about my brother, you see...he's starting a lot of behaviours that I used to when the slope first got slippery. And I was thinking, you're so determined, so desperate, so one-track-minded that you don't even see, let alone accept, that you've got a problem, that someone else might be valid and your way isn't quite correct...it's so hard. I WISH it was easier. I WISH, and hope, that earlier detection would work. And the only way I can think of doing that would be to fully inform kids as they grow up of how to eat right, healthily, proper nutrition, BMI rather than weight, calories from fat/protein/carbs and in what amounts, rather than calories full stop...you know? I'd never really considered it before until I came up against my brother...he's SO, SO determined, and gets SO defensive whenever anything at all is mentioned about him losing weight or what he eats. What else can you do???
Anyway, that was a little aside there, apologies. Hoping everyone is alright, lots of love xx
Posted on April 23, 2012 at 7:32 PM
|
|
Thank you so, so much Bernie for your lovely words above. That makes me feel really encouraged in pursuing this career, I really appreciate it
Soap, just keep doing as much as you can, when you can. Remember to give yourself time every so often (during the day, the week...) to just take a step back from work, life, etc. and have a rest. fatigue is rubbish, and fighting against it will only make you more frustrated with the situation and with yourself, neither of which you have any reason to blame yourself for.
xxx
Posted on April 22, 2012 at 11:27 AM
|
|
Hey missy, give yourself a break! Don't keep telling yourself "I've just got to get a grip." It's not your fault, you're dealing with everything in the best way you know how at the moment. It is not a negative thing that you can't quite get past this. I'm struggling too. The reason I went back, aside from wanting to get totally better for this career, is because while I don't fit the standard 'anorexia nervosa' category anymore, there are tendencies and impulses that I still act on when I feel too panicky or in certain situations to make me feel better, I suppose. I find it SO hard to tell which part of the 'control' is me wanting it for myself, and what part of the 'control' is ED-related. There are so many blurred boundaries and lines that intersect, we're bound to be confused and disorientated and frustrated. That's not a failure on our part, or a negative quality, and it doesn't mean it's easy to just 'get a grip' and be done with it. It's far too complex for that, so please don't beat yourself up by thinking those things! I know I tend to do that...a lot...and wanted to reassure you in case you do the same xx
Posted on April 19, 2012 at 8:21 PM
|
|
Hey Lydia.
I'm Millie. I'm 22, with a history of anorexia. I asked for proper help in my first year of uni, after going downhill rapidly for about a year. I had a couple of years of therapy, which did really help. But I'm at a similar point to yours; there's tendencies and impulses that I still can't help but go with. I'm finding it really tough to understand WHY they're still there, why I can't just 'let go' completely and enjoy life to the full,
What helped me was to imagine all the things I 'could' do that I don't let myself do i.e. have a takeaway , go out for a meal without feeling ed thoughts
Then I noticed all the thoughts/feelings/emotions/fears/worries etc. that would come along with doing these things.
I think I've realised I still have a very warped body image, and very negative self perception and self esteem. -which is why i've asked despite my situation not being classed as 'anorexia nervosa' anymore - whether there's anything that can be done to help me. I too am on a waiting list now.
I do think you have done so, so well in the steps you've taken - telling your bf, being honest with your GP, being put on the waiting list - and you should be really proud of yourself for that. Also, don't dismiss the work you've done so far with CBT etc. in therapy. If that hadn't of worked, you wouldn't be asking yourself these questions now nor wanting the help you've asked for. You have made really positive steps, and this part is scary, the waiting. But use it to try and work out what exactly you want to work on. It will help untangle the knot in your head a little bit more, maybe. And it might help when you actually come to the therapy this time to have ideas in mind to work on to make sure this is the final straw.
And don't forget, we are here for you and want to help in any way we can Even if that's simply encouragement, a listening ear, or just honest advice from people that probably understand most of what you're going through.
Big love Lydia, hoping you're okay? xxxx
Posted on April 19, 2012 at 7:34 PM
|
|
Firstly, I just want to say that you guys are AMAZING. I'm so glad you/we can all be open and honest about our struggles and triumphs and know that, even if we haven't suffered in quite the same way, each of us understands
Secondly, hi Caitlin. Don't worry about your messages not coming through. Maybe there is a technical hitch somewhere along the line. Keep trying! It'd be lovely to hear from you
Soapsud, I'm really sorry that you're finding it hard to make that breakthrough at the moment. If there's anything you want to discuss, even in a private message away from this thread, to maybe help you tease out some of what's going on for you, we/I would do our/my best to help in any way we/I could. But equally, I'm really pleased you've found this thread and the people that are writing in it helpful It is a good place to be, when you feel understood, especially after feeling misunderstood/ignored for a significant length of time. I'm really interested, actually, in your reiki treatments and why you felt a pull towards a therapist of that nature. In case you're worried, I'm not sceptical at all, quite the opposite. I did Theology at uni, and was particularly interested in spirituality and contemporary and Eastern influences that are currently shaping and impacting many people's lives in increasing numbers in the West. I am also trying to explore that sort of spiritual area of life myself at present. I went for a session of hypnotherapy, funnily enough, but only because at that time I was willing to try anything to stop what was going on. In the end, I really, didn't like the opinions and attitudes that the therapist held and after the one session I declined any more from him, not because I didn't believe in the process (although I didn't so much at that time, but am more open and intrigued about it now) but purely because of him. I talked to a reiki therapist, and a number of different alternative therapists for my dissertation actually, and got to asking them about mental illnesses and the types of people they see through their doors each day. Would love to hear about your own personal perspective
Bernie, you heard right, I also found that being completely honest about anything/everything when talking to your therapist is so important in your recovery. Even if the things you say aren't relevant, at least the therapist themselves can differentiate between those things that aren't and the things that are, rather than leaving them open to your own (and often the ED's) evaluations of what's 'relevant' and what you should not tell anyone. And well done for doing so, it takes SO much courage to talk about everything, especially the bits we're most ashamed of or embarrassed about or just find it hard to talk about. The fact you're doing that shows how much you want to change and fight back against what the ED is telling you and get better. I am SO proud of you for that And thank you also for the continued response and encouragement too. It's lovely to 'talk' (the internet equivalent, lol!) with people of similar minds out there. I'm also incredibly proud of you (which I know sounds really lame considering we've never even met, but I appreciate how hard these things must be for you to do and how much courage and strength it takes) for not purging since that time. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, that is incredible, huge well done for that achievement. YOU should be proud of yourself for that. And you have identified a very, VERY important part of this whole thing: the 'control' you thought you had wasn't yours, it was very much the ED's. YOUR control is that which you are gaining right now, the strength of mind and body to make your own decisions, to find out and adopt more rational beliefs and ways of thinking, and to fight against the illogical mindset of the ED. It is so strange trying to work out who 'me' is after it all. It becomes such a way of life, a way of thinking, a way of 'being' that when you're separated from it, you really do wonder who 'you' actually is, whether you've got anything left. But this part is exciting too; you get to discover yourself, your interests, your values and morals, the things you love...not because the ED gave you no other choice, but because YOU have the choice. Simply by being you, a valuable, worthy, independent and important, unique, individual human being. And that is very wonderful indeed.
Big love
Posted on April 19, 2012 at 7:00 PM
|
|
Hey guys.
CS - don't worry! You didn't get my back up, and I don't *think* you got anyone else's up either, so please don't panic, it's absolutely fine. I know you're coming from a good place and you're giving advice and ideas from a good, grounded and realistic heart.
And Bernie, wow, thank you SO much! Your encouragement is so positive and supportive, I really appreciate it. And the information you shared about your therapist is something I can really take on board. Again, I reiterate, I wouldn't be pursuing this kind of career for the sole reason of telling all-and-sundry about what I've been through. If I were to ever share that kind of information, I would check it out first with my superiors, assess the relationship I had with the client/patient etc. There are many different conditions for each and every situation, which is why I really appreciate all the comments in this thread, from whatever standpoint they come from. May I ask, Bernie (and again, you have every right not to answer, that would be absolutely fine) is your therapist an NHS one or a private one?
On another note, I am SO pleased you're beginning down your road of recovery. I really hope it's going as well as can be expected at this point. It's scary, of course, and if you ever have any questions or need a general rant about anything (ED-related or not!), I'm here I hope you've got a good support network around you too. Lots of love sweet, to you and everyone xxx
Posted on April 18, 2012 at 7:50 PM
|
|
There are absolutely listening people out there...here in fact
I really really admire and respect you for being so honest. It's strange, but even though I've been stuck within it, I hadn't thought about how it'd be for someone at 50, 60, 70 years of age, so in a way it's really interesting to hear from you - though I'd wish it away from you in a heartbeat. How do you find talking to people about it, and by people I mean general public-people as well as professional people? Do they not really accept that you're suffering from it, because you're not the 'typical' stereotype i.e. teenager / twenty year old? If so, that must be so, so hard. I do agree, even coming from me (I'm 22 myself) that general public-people tend to switch off when you start talking about it, and even -unfortuntaely- some professional people do. Sometimes they just don't really understand that you don't have to be underweight to be suffering so acutely internally. Those two things don't really add up in a lot of people's heads. Which makes the struggle that much harder. I do agree with CS that if only there was enough funding to put in place some barriers to stop people continuing down that slope, it would be so worth it.
Hope you're alright sweetie. Are you currently seeing anyone, Soapsud? Anyone to talk it all through with and put in place some positive coping strategies? Both you and CS are so inspiring, that you're turning all your experience into something so beneficial and meaningful. Huge love sent to you all xx
Posted on April 02, 2012 at 1:46 PM
|
|
Hey all.
Creideasspiorad, I absolutely understand and agree that as a therapist you're not allowed to disclose that sort of information. It is dangerous and unprofessional, and so I just wanted to reassure that I'm not going into the field purely because I want to tell everyone about my own. I wouldn't want to put the patient's wellbeing at risk, that's the opposite of the reason why I want to see how I feel in this field of work. It's also so lovely to see you and Soapsud (hey sweetie ) chatting and supporting each other. I'm really pleased you're finding this a good place to do so.
Soapsud, I also completely agree, invisible illnesses like the ones you mentioned are so easy to take out of context, to misunderstand, even unconsciously. I'm really proud of you for being open on here about your age and what you're going through, it's such a tough thing to say, even in writing. Do not apologise for saying those things. It's okay, we're all here for each other, and both CS and I are here for you if you want to talk. You don't have to feel alone in what you're going through. When you say your GP has given up, is that because you've gone to them multiple times now and there's nothing else they can offer you, or because they don't quite believe you need the help...? I'm SO sorry to hear that you lost your twin to anorexia. That's an awful, heartbreaking thing you have been through, and once again I hope you know that you can talk to us here. I'm here for you.
Thank you everyone for being so honest and supportive about the thread topic and of each other too. Really appreciate it, and it warms my heart that we can all feel so protective and encouraging of one another. Hope you're all okay, both the people who have posted and those who might simply be reading this. Love M xx
Posted on March 31, 2012 at 12:10 PM
|
|
Just stopping by again to say hello and ask after you guys. Hope you're alright xxx
Posted on March 14, 2012 at 9:28 PM
|
|
Hey Happyhippy.
How are you? How are things going? Hope you're alright. Just thought I'd check back and see if you're doing okay Sending you lots and lots of love sweetie xxxx
Posted on March 14, 2012 at 9:25 PM
|
|
Hey hon.
How are you doing? Just wanted to check back and see how everything is going. I'm really sorry I've not replied recently again. I am thinking of you though chick, I do hope you're alright So much love sent your way xxxx
Posted on March 14, 2012 at 9:22 PM
|
|
Thanks so much Caitlin. I absolutely understand about anonymity, so please don't feel you have to give anything more than you are comfortable doing.
Apologies for how long it's been since I last replied by the way guys. Once again, life gets on top of me...job...course...general day-to-day life...anyway...
I suppose my first thoughts would be things like, at what point are you questioned, or do you have to declare, about your own background r.e. ED? What kind of measures need to be taken to prove that you're stable enough to be in a position of trust and responsibility such as that of a clinical psychologist etc? Have you found it hard yourself? And how long has it been since you were sort of given the 'ok' by the professionals / felt you were 'ok'? - Because I know, even if they've said you're okay, it doesn't mean you're alright in yourself.
I hope everyone is doing okay by the way. How is everyone? So much love to you all xxx
Posted on March 14, 2012 at 9:20 PM
|
|
Oops, apologies for the strange way that my hyphens have come out by the way!
Posted on February 14, 2012 at 12:38 PM
|
|
That's absolutely normal hon, especially for where you're at at the moment. I know it's hard, but please know that you're not alone. And you can get through this. I still haven't been able to shake that feeling. I'm quite a way down the recovery path now, but those automatic, almost reactionary feelings are still there. HOWEVER, what I can do, what I do try and do now, is change how I ACT on them, how I REACT to them...
I imagine it a bit like two train carriages that were previously coupled together. My anorexia made me think that those feelings, those automatic, unconscious reactions WERE reality. No questions asked. I felt fat, therefore I was fat. I felt ugly, therefore I was ugly. When people said I looked 'well,' it meant they thought I looked fat. End of. So one carriage is the automatic reaction, the other carriage is 'reality.' Uncouple them. Just because you think / believe / feel certain things doesn't necessarily mean they're real. What you need to do is work out a way of looking at them more objectively, of assessing them first BEFORE you react to them.
So another way I also thought about it was imagining the situation that I was in happening in like a bubble, maybe one of those globes you get. Then I imagined stepping out of the situation and looking 'into' it, as though from outside the bubble, or from a camera on a wall or from a passer-by etc. You step out of the anorexic mindset and try to see what someone else might see, you know, more 'objectively.' You might have put on weight, yes, but it is weight that is needed to restore you to health, in both mind and body. Weight that was previously lost and is now being gained to help you chemically, biologically and mentally get back to health again. It does not mean that you are 'fat.' People say you look 'well' because they genuinely do believe you're starting to look brighter, with more sparkle, with probably thicker hair and more rosy skin, more life and spirit again. It does not mean that they think you're fat. (My auntie said to me that my eyes regained their sparkle, that's why I mentioned that word.)
Part of it is called Mindfulness. I think you can look it up on the web. Part of it is anyway, with a few little idiosyncrasies from me lol. But I wonder if any of that helps? Maybe gives you a way to see it, even deal with it, a bit better...? I'm not saying that all of your automatic reactions aren't real, of course not. But the practice of noticing first your automatic thoughts, assessing them and THEN acting on them sort of gives you some breathing space to try and filter out where the anorexic mindset comes in.
I don't know if any of that makes sense, it's probably confused you even more! Apologies if so. They were just a couple of images I developed in my head as I went along recovery to help me understand how I was feeling. But you ARE being strong by recognising these things. It's OKAY to feel them. Now get back some of the control that your anorexia is trying to take from you and decide how YOU react and respond to them. And remember, there's so many people that are here for you hon. If you need to, keep talking about it, reasoning it out. It will get better. Much love, M xxxxx
Posted on February 13, 2012 at 7:01 PM
|
|
You know what soapsud, that has actually meant quite a lot to me, your post. I know it didn’t appear to give any set ‘answers’ as such, but just hearing that it’s okay not to have everything planned out quite yet, that it’s okay to keep meandering, keep learning and exploring, it really has meant a huge amount. I think I’m still in that school/uni mindset, you know when you’re spat out the other end and ‘expected’ to go into a job you’ll have for the rest of your life. As hard as I try NOT to have that mentality, and I do try hard not to conform to ideals like that if I feel that’s not the way my life is to be, it’s hard to disengage from it…it’s almost unconscious…simply because everyone else is ‘doing it’ and you don’t even realise – you know? So really, thank you
And Louisa, thank you too. That really has given me some faith and reassurance that it is possible. If there’s any way at all – although I know this might be too personal or weird to ask, especially on here, I’m not sure – that you or the friend you mentioned might be willing to maybe talk a bit more about that process with me, I would appreciate it so much. I don’t know anyone who has taken that path, you see. But equally, I know it’s a huge ask, so for now I really do thank you for your message too. I would like to turn my experiences into something worthwhile and sincere, something that other people can benefit from, especially at such a potentially lonely time.
And Caitlin, wow – thank you so very much for your message. Again, I don’t know anyone who has taken this path, so to hear from someone who has is really, really great. Thank you for the support and reassurance that it is possible and can benefit other people. And again, if at any point in the future you might consider maybe talking about it a little more with me, I would be hugely grateful. But equally, I honestly appreciate your wonderful words and kind wishes. Yes, life without ED is definitely something to work and aim towards, and to hold on to with both hands. I'm still wanting to banish it from my life, as much as I possibly can anyway, and am working towards achieving that at present. For myself, the people in my life, and hopefully for the people I eventually help too
Big love to everyone who has replied here so far. All opinions are genuinely valued. Hoping everyone is okay? Peaceful wishes xxxx
Posted on February 13, 2012 at 5:48 PM
|
|
Hey. I'm so pleased to hear a few things from your message: that your husband is slowly starting to understand a little bit more. (It doesn't matter if it is slowly, though of course I'd love to hear that he understood straight away. At least it's happening, and in the right direction too.) It can be hard for people to wrap their heads around the whole thing sometimes, especially if they've not really had any experience or real-life (as opposed to relayed through the media) exposure to EDs etc. And I'm so glad that he's okay with you talking to your ex, and that you've found that confidante and support in him. It can be awfully lonely at times, as though you're stuck inside your own mind and no-one else understands what's going on inside it. To have another person (or people, I'm here too ) to be able to open up to and that understands really is worth so much.
I'm pleased that you're having good days, even if they are infrequent. At least you're having some, though again, I'd love for you to have more good ones than bad ones. Can you identify anything different about those days, the good ones, in comparison to the bad ones? Anything that you do or think differently, that you could maybe extend to the other days? Don't worry if not, there might not be anything, I'm just trying to throw a few ideas around for you
I'm pleased that you're also focusing on being healthy too. Health, both in the body and the mind, is so much more important to keep in focus and to keep aiming for. Well done, to take that decision and make that your aim is really great. How is it going?
And hey, don't be silly - you have every right to talk about how you're doing. I just want to be able to help in some way. Even if that is simply by talking and letting you know you're not on your own Don't apologise for it, it's absolutely okay Honestly.
But yeah, I'm alright thank you hon. I work at a school, so we're on half term at the moment which is lovely because I can catch up on all the things I've been putting aside. ED-wise, I'm stable I guess is the word. I'm not happy, but I'm not in the place where I was 3-4 years ago either. I have to keep reminding myself of my worst to help me recognise how far I've come and where I'm at now. Though I did have an assessment not long ago at a local mental health unit, and have been put on the waiting list for therapy. my eating is much improved to what it was. It's more that I'm looking to my future now, rather than day-to-day, just-getting-by. I've done that part of getting better, the critical bit that helps you get through each individual day. Now I know I still need some help with my long term issues that still haven't gone away. I have awful body image, which I really struggle with, and I can't imagine having a relationship -I'm 22 as well. Plus, I want to go into clinical psyc, so I'd like to get to a place where I'm stable enough in myself to help other people, whether that's ED or other mental health problems.
Anyway, enough of me now! Really hoping you're okay and that things are still getting better. Lots of love sent to you hon xxxxxxxx
Posted on February 13, 2012 at 5:16 PM
|
|
Hey hon. I've just seen that you've got a thread here. I'm so pleased that others have given you such positive encouragement. And the fact that those conditions can be reversed must be really reassurring. I hope you're doing okay. Being in that inbetweeny stage, eating, but not enough, is a tough one, but it shows you're willing and able to make the steps necessary to recover. And it's better you tackle them now than further down the line when the eating patterns might get worse. Well done on getting this far, you should be hugely proud of the distance you've come. Just take each challenge, each step, one at a time. And you've got lots of support here. Thinking of you sweet xxx
Posted on February 09, 2012 at 8:27 AM
|
|
Hiya 'believe252'.
I am so sorry for the delay in replying. How are you doing hon? Are you alright? What has been going on with you recently? We're here for you, hoping you're okay xx
And hi btw to 'wantingmore' - how was your appointment? Has progress been made? How are you dealing with the osteopenia? I hope you're okay too. I know the idea of putting on weight is terrifying, but it won't happen in one big jump. You'll be working on things at the same time too, understanding more about why it has all happened and working on ways to change your pattern of thinking for the better. It is scary, and I really hope you are proud of taking that step. I feel very proud for you.
Hope you're both alright. Much love as always xxxxx
Posted on February 08, 2012 at 4:59 PM
|
|
Hiya sweetie.
I'm so sorry I haven't replied more recently than this. Life just overtakes you sometimes, doesn't it?
Anyway, how are you doing? Have you managed to speak to your ex-bf? The only thing I'd say is just be careful with the way you go about it, only because I don't want your husband to get the wrong end of the stick and you both end up in arguments.
However, I do think it is really positive that you've found someone you could potentially talk to. It really does make all the difference sometimes. When you're fighting what seems to be an invisible battle with yourself, you need someone else there fighting your corner, understanding what you think and why you think it, without judgement. It helps you feel less alone, more grounded. You can honestly feel like you're losing your mind at times, I understand that feeling. But you're not. In fact, being able to recognise that you're not happy or coping with the way your mind works is a wonderful step in the right direction. It shows that you DO know your own mind, you DO recognise and want to change some bad habits that are making your life hard. That's a sign of someone strong trying to break free. Please believe that. You are strong.
You'd be surprised how many people have either had issues themselves, or know people who have had eating issues. But I know that doesn't take away the fear and terror of admitting it to your family, friends, or a GP. And yet, if you've got to a point where you feel you can't battle any longer, when you're mentally and emotionally worn out, you need someone else there to keep fighting for you, with you. You can't give up. Life is worth more than this, life holds so much more for you. You can be and do and see so many things, without the taint or weight of disordered beliefs/behaviours about food/weight/body image holding you back.
So, how are you feeling? Are you feeling any stronger than your previous post? Again, I'm so so sorry I haven't managed to get back in touch until now. But I do want to hear how you're doing. Here for you hon xxxxx
Posted on February 08, 2012 at 4:52 PM
|
|
Hi guys.
So sorry I've not replied before now. You know how life gets a little bit crazy at times.
Thank you so much, to both of you, for your replies. I really do take them onboard completely. You know what, I genuinely don't know where I'm going with my life at the mo. Do you ever get that? I've never really had a burning passion for anything specific in terms of career, apart from being a vet - then I found out I was allergic to most of the animal kingdom, so that ended that career! Plus, I don't think I could handle sad parts of the job.
I've kind of gone with the flow, done what I think is best, maybe taking onboard too much of what other people think I should do, and never really checking in with myself what I want to do, for me. I wonder if I'm doing that with this too? Or whether I do genuinely have this burning desire to help other people in the way I've been helped, since I know how hard it is. It's so hard to try and distinguish...and really frustrates me actually. I'm working at the moment, and I do love my job, but it's not something that could support me financially if I ever want to move out of the family house on my own. So I really, truly have no idea. I THINK I want to go into clinical psyc...I've always been fascinated with the way people's minds work, why they believe the things they do, when certain beliefs and behaviours become problematic and in whose eyes...I just don't know. It's a pity we can't just go and sample different kinds of jobs, see what we like. I am doing an open uni course at the moment, it's just 60 credits of psychology modules, but that makes me eligible to do a psyc conversion course at uni if I wanted to pursue that way of doing it. But I know I need a lot of experience too, before I can properly go into clinical psyc. So maybe I do that for a while, build up some experience.
Oh my word, I'm so sorry I'm just rambling on. You've got better things to do with your time than reading about my indecisions! I hope you're both okay...what's going on in your worlds? Much love xxxxx
Posted on February 08, 2012 at 4:33 PM
|
