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Hey both, absolutely shattered so will be a short reply for now.
Adele, let's hope. I could do with some company on this stretch of the "road". There are a couple of things that are really difficult to deal with. Too hard to explain here but I think I definitely need to use this board more right now. Been trying to be Miss Independent and prove that I don't need any help but turns out I'm not actually as good at that as first thought. Accepting help and support is so difficult now, I feel I don't trust anyone and I've lost faith in a lot of things . I'd forgotten that awesome people do exist!
CS thanks for the wise words (again). I had just gone down the 'I don't care about myself' path again and had hit the self-destruct button. But, as usual, that place sucks and I've tried to turn a corner and need to accept that the ED isn't worth it. Do you have an example of the kind of daily goals you're talking about? I've always sucked at goal setting so any help would be fab.
How did T go? As soon as things feel like they're headed in the right direction I panic and that's when old habits kick in. I think it actually has more to do with self-worth than anything else. Try to remind yourself that you deserve the good things that happen. You don't need to stop yourself from progressing and getting better.
Joey/Aimie I hope you're okay wherever you are x
Posted on January 16, 2013 at 12:39 AM
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Hey,
Sorry - once again am really slow to reply. Life is hectic. I am not dealing well with anything!!!! I'm trying to stay on top of things and be really mindful about all of this stuff but it's so hard!! Would be easier if I could explain it properly but I can't... I'm still alive and kicking though so can't complain.
Aimie - that doesn't sound good at all. I really hope the results come back as well as expected. What are you doing now? I've totally lost track of who is at uni, work, etc. Thinking of you xx
Adele - ouch! I hope the fracture heals soon, I can't stand being immobile so I understand your frustrations. When will you be back on your feet? What else is new? Still kicking the ED's butt I hope.
CS - thank you for the acknowledgment, I think you're right, sometimes it's easier to just step away from everyone and everything to regroup. If only I was clever enough to figure out what to do once I've isolated myself! Sounds like you're struggling - I'm sorry. Did your Dr end up increasing your dosage? Has it helped? Let us know if we can do anything, listen, read, space-hop... you name it.
Hopefully try to get to one of the adult chats - I keep forgetting and I've been sooooo busy and so tired I end up falling asleep after work and missing them - yep, I'm like a 90-year old. Hopefully catch one of you soon.
xx
Posted on January 14, 2013 at 6:56 PM
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Hey Aimie,
How are you doing hun? Happy New Year xx
Posted on January 01, 2013 at 11:57 AM
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Hey,
I'm so sorry it's been so long. I struggled badly in May and couldn't really communicate anything to anyone.
I don't know why I keep reverting back to isolation and silence, I feel that thats the reason I ended up in this mess in the first place. Seriously, why is this so difficult?? Once again I made a little bit of progress over the Summer but the past few months have been difficult.
I'm no longer seeing a T although am going to go and see one of my old ones on Friday for a one-off session because I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction at a pretty scary speed. I guess it's at least encouraging that I realise when this is happening now and I'm trying to get a handle on it. Just need to sort myself out before I move (for a new job). I've got so much anxiety about moving again and starting a new job that I can see old habits coming back really strong. Trying to do the right thing and talk about it but nobody really seems to understand. There are so many things I need to address that I find it hard to know where to start in a session and just end up feeling overwhelmed! . That tied with the fact that I'm still yet to find a T that I can trust makes it hard to make any kind of progress. I know that's my issue not theirs, it's just a bit (very) rubbish.
Think I'm just feeling misunderstood and alone in my struggles which isn't a great feeling. Christmas has triggered old stuff as well so I'm trying to reach out here to get through to the New Year.
Anyway.
CS I hope it went okay and that it's something you've been able to move on from.
How are the rest of you? I hope you've had a good Christmas, it's definitely a difficult time.
SF x
Posted on December 26, 2012 at 11:23 AM
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... You literally just said everything I could've said. My T is also trying to make me go over childhood stuff, like you, I run away every time it gets tough. Had police involvement with some things earlier this year (I'm fine too) so I know how much it sets you back with ED things. I struggle to see the logic in addressing things that are in the past, when all I care about fixing is the ED - I know the theory, but it's not for me. I don't care about things that I can't change, I don't feel like I need to think or talk about it, I don't want to. But, will T's listen to me?! Nope! who knows, maybe they'll prove me wrong (probably!).
I'm glad you're willing to give it a go though... that shows true courage, I believe you can do it. Is your T able to support you through the court situation at all? I am also trying really hard to do this and not run... haven't been successful really, but still going... Wanna space-hop with me? x
Posted on May 02, 2012 at 8:46 PM
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I'm not entirely sure I understand what is happening in May, but it sure doesn't sound fun.
What I would say is that you will never bore a therapist, hun. She won't have a list of things she wants and doesn't want to know - it's YOUR session. She is there to listen to anything you have got to say, she doesn't decide where the sessions go, you do. It's important that you feel in control of your therapy , . If you think it's important to voice things about your eating struggles, tell her that.
I know it's hard to speak up in sessions, especially if you're like me and get intimidated by anyone in a position of authority. It's often easier to say nothing at the start and let them pick something to talk about. But maybe you could email her or something before your sessions and say one or two things you'd like to cover that week? That way when you arrive, she knows where to start... do you think you could do that? It's just a suggestion so I won't be offended if you say you don't want to do it!
You absolutely won't be wasting her time, even if you sit in silence for the hour, her job is to allow you the space and freedom to use the hour as you need to.
Sorry to hear about your job, too. It's hard working in an environment that seems forced or uncomfortable. Are there any colleagues that you are more friendly with? Maybe you could arrange to socialise outside of work with them, y'know, get to know them in a different environment. Our staff outings really help with that - sure they feel SO uncomfortable for me because I'm shy, but it's a chance to be yourself and to get to know them as well and it really helps with the dynamics when you're back at work...
Right, need a nap - am full of cold, yuck.
Keep your chin up, am thinking of you! xx
Posted on April 17, 2012 at 6:50 PM
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Hey hun,
No need to apologise, I've been AWOL for a while, too. Good to hear from you though! Also good to hear that you're making progress with your ED... or at least the thoughts about it. Keep it up.
Your course sounds really great, I'm so pleased you're enjoying it so much - my Master's dragged soooooo much I was ready to be done with it after 3 months! Good luck with the essays x
Posted on April 12, 2012 at 7:42 PM
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Hey,
May sounds as though its going to be tough whatever it is, but it's nothing that you can't overcome , I promise you that. Have you managed to talk it over with your T? I'm glad you've also found someone who you've clicked with - I never realised that would make such a difference, but the very fact that I actually want to TRY at the moment is like insane progress. Granted I've not managed to tell her much at the moment, but I haven't ran in the other direction yet, for me that is good. I hope you're able to talk over whatever is worrying you at the moment with her. If not you know I/we will gladly listen and try to help however we can... What's happening with work? And life in general? I'm sorry you're struggling so badly
Thanks for the advice. I know, it sucks. The reality of it is that they can sack me. I'm on a long-term casual contract because our organisation is Government-funded.. it's complicated but it basically means I have no "rights" as an employee and they are allowed to fire me tomorrow for no reason at all if they want to. That makes this whole thing so much harder, stressing about losing my job only makes me perform worse at work!! GRRR! I just don't feel having two T's is helpful. It's hard enough opening up to one, and she wasn't even assigned, I chose her myself. I am struggling with being an outpatient. Just so out of control and I cannot stand it. But my hands are being tied and it's unfair. I'm being proactive, I sought help, and now I'm feeling frustrated Moan, moan, moan, sorry! I will give it a go, I don't have a choice,I don't feel able to be honest with everyone at the moment
Right, need to go. Will catch up soon. Stay strong please, let me know if I can help in any way. Will be thinking of you.
SF
Posted on April 12, 2012 at 5:49 PM
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Oh no doesn't sound like you're having a good time. What's happening hun? Anything you can talk about here?
I got told I'd lose my job if I didn't sort myself out by this week. Was forced to go to the GP on Thursday and now being sent back to the Mental Health Team who I was with three years ago. They suck and they don't listen to anything I say. Have an assessment in a few weeks and I just can't even be bothered. I have a T already and I dont want to start all over again. Sooooooo annoying!!!!! Feel like I've been coerced into doing it and it makes me reluctant to try. I'm happy with the T I already have, she's a private T not NHS. What's the point in talking to someone else? I tried to explain that I've been such a mess because I am trying to work through a lot of really unpleasant stuff that goes back a long way and not because I'm not getting the right help. But again, nobody is willing to listen to me or to accept that I'm trying. For the first time I'm actually TALKING and this is what happens. Just wish people would cut me some slack.
Anyway, sorry for the rant. Just having a stress since the MHT called me (while I was at work which was great!!). Really hope you're okay. Let me know if I can do anything to help. Was good to hear from you.
SF x
Posted on April 12, 2012 at 12:02 PM
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Eeeeek CS!!! Eeeeek itllbeok/befree!!!
Jeeez, you guys are here at the right time!
How are you both? It's been way too long... fill me in - what have I missed? Hope you are both okay and still plodding along in the right direction. Obviously I hope you're bouncing along on your spacehoppers, but I know that's not always easy.
Adele - I'm glad you like your job - what are you doing? Sorry that you feel like a commodity - that's never fun. Unfortunately I think that's part of the working world - and I'm sure everyone's felt like that at some point. But, before long we will rule the world so it will be okay!
Joey - the Master's sounds awesome, I'm so glad you're enjoying it - you will be an awesome therapist I'm glad you had a good weekend away with your church friends, too. What did you get up to?
x
Posted on April 11, 2012 at 7:25 PM
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Joey:
Thank you for the space-hopper - totally needed it
I agree - I got completely confused by the new site - still don't know my way around. How is the Masters going? What is it in (sorry, worst memory)? I'm glad that you're learning things about yourself, must be weird being surrounded by therapy... maybe also good though, being unable to avoid it, etc? Creative therapy scares me more than normal therapy, I have 0% creativity and I get mad when I can't do things! Had T tonight - struggling still. Not sure I was born to talk, but I have an amazingly supportive few friends helping me out with this (and other stuff that needs resolving) so I owe it to them to keep going...
Everything else is... busy. Love my job (finally!), living with a friend, still playing sport, etc. How is everything with you? x
Adele:
Hiiiiiii!!!!!!! So good to see your name, too!!! Yes, I space-hopped here on my new space-hopper (courtesy of Joey). How are you hun? How's it all going? Would love to hear how you've been.
... There's an adult chat? What? And where is Aimie?? I have the attention span of a gnat with no brain so trying to search the boards Maybe we'll catch up on here or chat.
Right, got to go. Thanks for the replies.
SF
Posted on February 07, 2012 at 11:01 PM
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Joey!!!
Jeez, you've no idea how good it is to see a familiar face/name. How are you doing? What are you up to nowadays?
Sorry I've been missing in action... I thought isolation was the way forward, but it absolutely is not! It's been so hard, and messy, and horrible, yuck. I did actually manage to get pretty far doing it my way, by myself. Even for me, I made progress (woo). But it's just way more complex than I wanted to admit... so... back to square 1.
Back in therapy as of this week. Hate myself for it and feel weak and vulnerable all over again, but, I'm miserable and tired of being miserable! For some reason my magical powers have diminished... you've no idea how many times I've screwed my eyes shut really tight and wished it all to go away, and it just hasn't. I'm losing my touch. Need me a new space-hopper, clearly.
So good to hear from you, thanks for replying.
Really hope you're doing okay, would love to hear what's been happening at your end.
SF
Posted on February 03, 2012 at 7:17 PM
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Hi,
It'll soon be time to come over to the dark side from the Youth Boards...
Haven't used beat much since last year, but relapsing pretty badly... Just thought I'd say "hi" and maybe start a thread that I can use if I need to. Sorry for taking up room on the boards.
Hope you're all okay.
SF
Posted on February 02, 2012 at 7:09 PM
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