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Hi sorry its taken me so long to reply. I kept hoping things would get a bit better so i had something more positive to write but unfortunatly i feel like things are only getting worse.
I cant break the binge/purge/restriction cycle. I vow to change and then cant bring myself to eat properly so then hunger adds to the binge cravings making it harder to resist. I now dread going home to my own house. The place where i am supposed to feel safe i feel most vulnerable and open to temptation. My depression is slowly getting worse or is certainly not getting better and i have been put back on calcium tablets because i have borderline osteoporosis.
I havent herd anything from the other clinic yet but my doctor has had a letter so i should be getting new treatment soon. On a positive note i think work is going ok, i have days where i believe in myself and others where i feel i am not capable enough.
Anyway how are you both doin? I think its great that you will offered inpatient treatment Abi, i guess its just the tough waiting game now until you can be admitted. I really hope it helps and any tips for recovery you pick up i would love to hear about.
Hows things with you Aimee, any better?
Thinking of you both,
Love Laura xxx
Posted on March 09, 2012 at 7:41 AM
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Hey,
...i cant really describe how im feeling at the minute, like you guys im struggling. The job is really good but a lot of responsibility all at once and ive been thrown in at the deep end so to speak and have been lone working right from day one with very little training so far. What part time work have you got Aimee? Abi what you said about it being a new start and the chance to get into a new regime, well this is exactly what i thought but its really not going to plan. I have been working on my own most of the time and its rare i am around anyone at dinner that makes it sound like im not even trying but i do take dinner with me i just cant bring myself to eat it yet when i get home and no one is around nothing stops me then, im uncontrollable.
I havent heard back from the new ED clinic yet but its not looking like i will be able to fit in another final appointment with my old therapist as there is no flexibility at all and work are being very strict about it and im not really in a position where i feel i can jepordise my job when its taken me nearly a year to get one....argh i just dont know what to do.
Hope everything goes as you hope with your psychologist and GP Aimee, i will be thinking of you. Ive found a lot of people dont understand ED's at all and clearly dont realise how debilitating they can be, hopefully they wont cut your benefits.
I hope you get the inpatient treatment your hoping for, i think it could be really useful and hope it works out for you.
sending love and hugs
Laura x
Posted on February 22, 2012 at 9:10 PM
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Hi Aimee and Abi,
Its nice to hear from you both! I know that tiring feeling after binging and purging...its an awful feeling and as for feeling anorexic but not looking it, i can definitely relate to you on that! Everyone around me seems to think ive recovered and am doing great when in reality im not coping at all, im not eating regularly or normally...far from it. They just have no idea.
Good luck with the inpatient treatment Abi, i hope you do get it as i know this could help you. I often wish i had taken the opportunity when i had it.
I went for an assessment at another ED service and it went better than i thought but i just hope they can arrange late evening appointments because my new job is not flexible in anyway but i really feel like i need help. I started my new job today and couldnt bring myself to eat then i get home and feel the need to b/p...i know people will more than likely say its because ive not eaten and will be hungry but its not. Ive had my tea and am in no way hungry yet when im in my home environment the only thing on my mind is how much food i can get inside me...its so tiring!
Anyway i hope your both ok, thinking of you
Laura x
Posted on February 20, 2012 at 8:40 PM
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Hi, sounds like you've been through some tough times with your ED, i guess we both know they're not easy to deal with. Ive considered hypnotherapy but im a bit skeptical. How did work for you? Did you have to tell them all about your past and what you thought your triggers were?
Currently im receiving CBT which ive had for the last 5 years but more recently since december ive been trying acupuncture. Ive found this helps a bit with my mood but ive not found it to be all that effective. Im partly switching therapists and clinics to discuss other forms of therapy which could help. I was almost hospitalised when i first received treatment Now thinking back i think maybe going in hospital could have been the better option and would have possibly helped me get into a regular routine with eating. Instead i chose to remain an outpatient Basically ive not followed a healthy eating plan of any kind for over 6 years so to me it feels very difficult to achieve
Im always open to advice, i do tend to come up with big ideas and plans to distract me from binging but as you probably know the evil voice in my head usually gets the better of me and screams at me until i give in.
I keep thinking maybe work will help me regain some control but i am fully aware this could possibly lead to more anorexic type behaviours... i guess im stuck whichever route i take.
I do want to recover
Hope that all made sense and its not just babble. Thanks again for your support
Laura xx
Posted on February 14, 2012 at 6:57 PM
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Hi Abi, thanks for replying its always nice to know your alone  Actually its nice to hear that im not the only one who has reacted this way to changing therapist. As it happens im not sure how therapy will work out for me now. I am about to start a new job next week and they have made it very clear they wont allow you any time off for doctors appointments and i havent told them about my ED because i didnt want it to affect my chances of getting the job. Currently my therapist only works until 5 making it impossible for me to get there in time. Anyway i will ahve to wait and see what happens at the new clinic on Friday!
A few of my friends know about my anorexia but obviously now i dont look anorexic people dont really understand that im still struggling. In a way i feel more ashamed of my bulimia and i dont think i could confide in anyone, no one would understand. I know your probably thinking well how do i know that but ive had conversations when i was at my worst with anorexia and responses from parents and friends were 'well at least you dont make yourself sick...i dont know how we'd cope if you did that'.
Are you recovered now or in recovery? Hope things are going ok for you!
Take care
Laura x x
Posted on February 13, 2012 at 7:03 PM
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Hi, i used to use these message boards when i was first diagnosed with anorexia over 4 years ago but not been on in ages. A lot has changed since then, i never really got into any sort of normal eating pattern and now at 23 years old have lost control entirely and for the last 6 months have found myself consumed in the exhausting Binge-Purge cycle.
Currently i just don't know what to do. I have been seeing the same therapist for the last 4 years and as a result have become quite attached but now have been referred to another clinic as we decided she wasnt able to help me. I suddenly feel lost and afraid of changing therapist and not only fear the unknown and thought of retelling my story all over again but i also feel like im losing someone im close to. I understand she is my therapist and not my friend but i feel like the one person who knows everything about me, who knows all my secrets is suddenly being pulled away from me.
My binge/purge cycle is also a big secret from everyone but my therapist. So once again my ED has become a big secret that no one can help me with. I dont want to tell anyone about my purging, I'm ashamed and my parents have previously made it very clear what their views are on that.
I guess im just here looking for people who are experiencing similar things...just someone to talk to really.
Hope everyone is ok x
Posted on February 09, 2012 at 6:20 PM
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