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Dear Caitlin
Massive hugs, it sounds like you really need some. I wish I could help. I recognise that feeling of emptiness and the realisation that you can never go back in time and erase your grief about the past. But therapists have given me hope. I think there is a way forward and that you can have happiness even when the building blocks weren't right at the start of your life. Stay strong, you will get through this and learn to let people in and let yourself feel loved and cared for.
Thinking of you
love Abi X
Posted on April 27, 2012 at 4:50 PM
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Hi Butterfly,
I was just going to post something very similar myself! I'm also starting IP treatment for the first time after many years of OP therapy, signed 'the contract' yesterday. It is terrifying trying to imagine what its going to be like isn't it. They've said to me that I need to just focus on getting well and that however difficult it feels I can get through it and on to happier times. It will be amazing to be able to eat 'normal' foods and to not panic about eating, I can't imagine food not being an issue but I like to hope its a possibility!
Have they said how long you'll be in for? Have you been for a look round the unit? I hope you're coping with the anxiety and its not becoming overwhelming. It sounds like you're in a really good place mentally if you're able to think about making changes. Sending you a massive hug, you're not on your own hun XXX
Posted on April 27, 2012 at 11:02 AM
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Hi Caitlin,
thats brilliant that you've decided that you'll persevere with it with your therapist. I know what you mean about it being such a strange relationship, you talk to therapists about things you have never told anyone and you trust them and rely on them - its no wonder we end up feeling like they're our closest friends.
I've had many therapists over the years but I had one therapist for 5 years or so I knew that because it was a professional relationship (NHS) there was no way I would ever hear from her or know anything about her again. That was 5 years ago and I still cry about the loss sometimes, it is so painful.
I guess lots of people who havent been through it would struggle to understand and would probably see it as weird or dangerous, that's the reaction I've had from other mental health professionals but I agree with Bernie that surely its only natural. When you've had limited or poor parental relationships as a child or when your trust has been broken by people you've cared about it makes sense that you would cling on as hard as you can when someone comes along who actually does care and listen, even when you know its their career to do so.
Big hugs, hang in there X
Posted on April 23, 2012 at 4:36 PM
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Hi Caitlin,
I think you are so brave to be able to identify what's happening and to confront it with your therapist. I have been through different things to you but I know how it feels to view your therapist in that way. I think its fantastic that she has said she'll work through it with you and I think its probably a good idea to trust her to do that. In the past I have been labelled as 'too dependant' on people and have never been given the chance to sort it out, I think it could be a really good opportunity for you to process and move forward from past issues. You are such an inspiration in your successful recovery from your ED, thank you so much for still posting on here.
Hugs, X
Posted on April 22, 2012 at 8:00 PM
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Hi Spark,
Thank you for your positivity! As my admission date gets closer and closer its so good to hear someone who tells me it will be worth it.
I'm 36 and have had issues since I was 13. Its an NHS ED unit, I'm very lucky that there's one quite close and with an available bed.
How are you now? Did day-patient treatment turn things around for you?
X
Posted on April 22, 2012 at 7:53 PM
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Hi Bernie,
I've just read what you said about not b/p for so many days, that is fantastic! You must feel so much better. You are doing so well. I wish you all the strength you need to keep fighting X
Posted on April 20, 2012 at 7:54 PM
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Hi Adele
I'm so sorry you're going through this, its madness that there's not more help out there. Please keep looking, there must be people and organisations that can help, even if you have to travel out of your area to get to them. Have you looked at the BEAT list of regional help? Have you seen or spoken to anyone from your local mental health team or your gp - they might be able to advise you where to go. I looked up private ED facilities on google and there seemed to be lots, they didn't list their prices though so i don't know how much their treatment costs.
Please don't give up.
hugs, Abi X
Posted on April 20, 2012 at 7:41 PM
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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, your support means a lot. I realise that I'm really lucky to be able to go in to hospital to fight this, the last * years I haven't had much luck but I'm hoping this is going to turn my life around. I'm determined that I will get better eventually.
How are you both? Have you had any treatment that has been helpful? They run a DBT group where I'm going, don't know what it involves but it sounds interesting.
I hope you're both ok X
Posted on April 20, 2012 at 7:33 PM
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The realisation that I'm going to be going in to hospital has finally hit me and I'm so full of panic I can hardly breathe. And my eating is just getting worse. Even though I know the less I eat the longer I'll have to be in hospital for I think the stress of everything is making it impossible to start getting better. I'm going in on a bulimia program so will be in the minority at the hospital, they said there's usually only 1 or 2 patients with BN, almost all there have AN and I'm scared of how I'm going to feel there, like I'm not thin/ ill enough etc. Absolutely terrified about every aspect of it. Can't believe I'm doing this voluntarily but that's got to be a good sign I guess. Any advice about how to calm down would be very much appreciated XX
Posted on April 14, 2012 at 5:20 PM
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Hi
After having anorexia and bulimia for 23 years I am now going in for in-patient treatment. Does anyone know how best to handle the stress its going to cause?
So far I've just been concentrating on the practical considerations of making sure my children will be properly cared for and won't be damaged by me going away. I've been making endless lists of things I need to remember to do before I go but I realise all of those stresses are different to the feelings I will have to deal with when in the unit. I don't know what to expect, I wondered if they'll let me skype my kids in the mornings and evenings (visiting time is only one hour per night) but then I thought they've probably got restrictions on that sort of thing.
Any advice would be massively appreciated, thank you guys XXXX
Posted on March 31, 2012 at 11:50 AM
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Pip if they think you're making it up you need a different GP hun. There's no way you should be having to try and deal with this by yourself.
Have you looked on the Beat helpfinder section where it lists regional ED organisations? Maybe you could contact the nearest one to you, you could write to them and also write to your GP if talking to them is difficult. If you list everything you're going through they will try to help you, its their job to help you.
Please don't keep trying to fight this alone, its such a hard illness to deal with, and the stress of having to try and hide it from everyone must be making it so much worse. Recovery is worth fighting for, you deserve to feel well and its your right to receive support and understanding from the NHS. I read something the other day that said that every GP in the country has approx 1 or 2 people with anorexia and approx 30 people with bulimia in their patients. So you're definitely not the only one.
Stay strong, lots of love Abi
Posted on March 16, 2012 at 6:23 PM
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Hi Aimee, good to hear you're ok. That's brilliant that you're working, sounds like a really positive thing to be doing and if its making you feel energised, fantastic.
I'm still on the waiting list too. Waiting is so hard.
Love Abi x
Posted on March 16, 2012 at 2:13 PM
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Hi Aimee, don't give up love, we're all in this together. There are lots of people on here who will tell you that it can get better, and that recovery is possible. We just have to keep on fighting. Its a massive struggle, the constant binge-purge-starve cycle is the bane of my life and I know how soul destroying it is. have you managed to tell anyone, your doctor or anyone who could offer you support? You can and you will recover hun, you just have to keep on believing that.
Big hugs, Abi X
Posted on March 09, 2012 at 7:47 PM
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Hi Pippy hun, I'm Abi.
When people tell me I look 'well' it makes me so upset, it always has. Like you I understand it as 'my God you've put on weight!'. But I've been told repeatedly by people I trust that looking 'well' is something people say when they mean I look healthier, less haggard and grey from all the bingeing and purging. I guess we just have to trust people that when they say we look well that's what they mean.
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment. have you told your GP or been referred to any ED services. It's really important that you do, I think the sooner you get help the easier it is to recover. I spent years and years not telling anyone but over the last few years I have confided in people and none of them have recoiled in horror or told me I'm disgusting or done anything other than try to help me.
I'm often on here at the moment so if you need to chat and if I can help with anything let me know.
Big hugs, take care of yourself, Abi X
Posted on March 09, 2012 at 7:40 PM
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Dear bunnylove,
you're so right about sitting down at mealtimes with the kids, that's one of the things I feel most guilty for not doing because I know its such an important and valuable thing to do. I'm also definitely looking forward to being less anxious, moody and stressed because I know life will be so much nicer for everyone else (and me) when I'm 'normal' about food.
The reasons why I'm like I am about food are so complicated, when I've been for therapy in the past they always say that I'm going to need 'years' to sort things out but unfortunately its never worked out so far due in part to therapists leaving/ retiring/ maternity leave etc so I've never had the consistency that they say I need. Body image and self-confidence are so difficult to sort out. Do you feel confident in yourself or is it something you still struggle with? It always amazes me that peoples brains work so differently, how different peoples outlooks can be so completely different. Its incredible really.
I'm still waiting to hear from the ED unit, starting to get a bit paranoid about it but managing to stay relatively calm. Nobody likes not knowing what's going to happen do they. Thanks for all your advice, you're really great.
Lots of love,
Abi X
Posted on March 09, 2012 at 2:02 PM
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Hi Laura,
good to hear from you, I've been hoping you would have heard from the new clinic by now, its so frustrating having to wait for help you so desperately need. I really hope they get you started soon, it could be so good for you and help you turn a corner.
I know what you mean about dreading going home and it not being the safe haven it should be. I don't know how to get round that really, hopefully when you get your new therapy they might be able to help you change the way you think so you can start enjoying your own company instead of dreading what you're going to do to yourself. Some days I beat the urges, some days I don't but I have no idea what it is that governs that, I guess its the same for you. Maybe one day something will just click and it will be easier.
Is work getting any better? I know you said you work alone a lot, that must be hard, I'm sure having nice people to talk to must be good for lifting your spirits. Do you have any good friends who you would want to spend time with in the evenings? You could plan to meet up for a non-food related social activity, maybe some kind of gentle exercise like yoga? It might help you de-stress before going home?
Aimee I hope you're doing ok hun and managing to be kind to yourself.
Big hugs to you both, lots of love
Abi X
Posted on March 09, 2012 at 1:38 PM
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Hello love, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. You've taken massive steps in seeking help and then to have to wait to be seen must be infuriating. I think its terrible that people have made such ridiculous comments as 'just grow up' etc, they obviously have no idea about the complications of this illness. Please don't listen to them, its not within your control or your fault, it is a horrible illness.
Well done for seeking treatment, I hope you don't have to wait too long and that the support you get is what you need. Big hugs and lots of love, Abi X
Posted on March 06, 2012 at 8:25 PM
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Dear Bunnylove,
you have given me so much hope, thank you so much! Everything you said rings true for me, I do avoid doing many activities because of my ED and I would love to be able to do more social activities with my family. Maybe when I've got used to eating normal food I will be able to cope more easily with such things.
Its inspiring that you have such a lovely relationship with your daughter, you have obviously brought her up to be confident and to have self-belief. She must be so proud of your achievements, especially now that she has an understanding of psychology so must know something about how hard it is to manage an eating disorder.
Lots of love,
Abi X
Posted on March 06, 2012 at 8:15 PM
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Thanks Bunnylove.
Do you mind if I ask, did your daughter realise you had problems with eating? I dread that so much, I tell myself she's never noticed but of course I can't be sure, like you said kids are clever. I hope you have received help with your EDs over the years and that there have been some good times that you can focus on getting back to as you recover. I hope you're in a good place with your eating at the moment hun.
Have you ever been given advice on how to manage your ED and a family? I know its such a struggle just living day to day, let alone supporting a family/ working/ looking after a house etc. I'm sending you a hug love. I know its hard.
I sometimes go through times when I think the problems I am causing everyone by being ill are so massive that it would be better for everyone if I wasn't here. I just worry that the hideousness of my illness will cause even worse problems to my daughter.
Thank you for replying to my post, your support means a lot.
Posted on March 05, 2012 at 8:23 PM
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Dear Kate,
its great to hear that you are doing better with the ED behaviours, you've come this far so surely there's no reason why you can't go on to conquer this illness and live the ED-free life you deserve. One day maybe it will only be a memory and we will be able to enjoy food the way we should be able to without attaching special meaning or significance to it. Other people have managed to fully recover, even after very long periods of being ill. I pray that you and everyone on here will have the strength to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One day we will succeed and beat this!
Big hugs, Abi X
Posted on March 02, 2012 at 3:52 PM
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