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Hey guys, sorry to but it on the thread. Haven't been online for quite a while, I guess it is a positive as I haven't felt the need.
Happy Christmas, hope it has been okay
Having a bad day today, I don't deal well without structure and being Christmas break means no sixth form, which I know most 18 year old's may love, but not me. I have a part time job, but soon as I have down time and start to think the negativity is overwhelming. I have depression and anxiety and diagnosed with anorexia about a year ago. I know I am doing much better than a year ago but being further in recovery is difficult, dealing with being in social situations is tiring and still struggling with body image. I''v recently gone to adults services from camhs and the transition was difficult for me.
Sorry for my post being quite self centred, just not sure what to do and worrying that family and friends are losing patience with me.
Hope you are ok,
Flounder x
Posted on December 29, 2012 at 6:43 PM
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Hi Tulip, i'm good thankyou, i have had my longest period of eating healthily for about 6 months, i'm on my third week of sticking to eating regularly, which is still terrifying, and i'm hating how i look, but i really want to give it a shot and see if my weight will even out and my metabolism slowly stabilise instead of fluctuating so much, i'm going to get weighed soon though, so think i may feel a little differently, and i've stopped keeping my food diary so not sure what to say to the dietician.
I think the self help book is a really positive tool, have you been on the 'personal best' site that is linked from B-eat? I think you would really benefit from it if you havent already seen it. Hope it helps.
I'm confused to why they seem to think CBT can't work for you, i've been having CBT for two years and i've been diagnosed as anorexic, yeah i have had additional specialist support, but CBT is about managing psychological problems, which at the end of the day are the key problems in eating disorders. Gosh this has annoyed me so i can imagine how infuriating this must be for you. Go back to your GP, or keep badgering them to offer or try to find you the correct support. I hope you are ok.
Lots of love Flo x
Posted on August 24, 2012 at 1:35 PM
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Hi HopeAndFaith, i've been away too so i'm sorry for my late reply also. I'm so glad it has been helpful, i havent binged either whilst being away which i am really happy with, but because i've been eating regularly and probably the most normal for a few years i'm scared of the weight i might have gained, still find the anorexic thoughts hard to deal with. I agree when we are busy or feel we have a purpose things are so much easier
That is awesome news! Well done on succeeding, and swimming can be rehabilitating for the body if not done excessively, so happy for you!
I just wandered did you have a period as an inpatient? I'm just coming to the point of transition to adults services which is very nervewracking but my team are really good and fighting for me to have the support asap.
Hows this week been sweet?
I'm going away again tomorrow as a volunteer at a camp, people are trusting me to go so i have to make sure i don't slip into my bad habits and let them down. I also just recieved my AS results and got 2*'s and an * so i was so pleased.
Lots of love Flo x
Posted on August 24, 2012 at 1:27 PM
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Hi Tulip, lovely to hear from you! I wasn't receiving notifications for a while either, very frustrating.
I currently am printing off CV's, and i have been naughty and called in sick at work today although i am fine, however my therapist said to be it is how i feel emotionally too, sickness isnt just physical, which made me feel much better about not going. I just dont feel able to be there for 8 hours atm.
I'm seeing the dietician again this week, i'm really nervous for going.
My psych told me to think of an incentive, a reason for recovery, but for myself ; not to please others, or just to make it to uni, or get people off my back. To be honest i really cant think of one, i want to be healthy, but atm i feel like i am unhealthy. I'm just so confused with how i feel, sorry for this long waffly response.
I'm so proud of you, it's brilliant youre feeling more positive, i want to do that too, try and forget the number and focus on regulating a normal eating pattern, it's much harder to do than to say though Awww! My kitten will be 1 in August, she's getting big now, and is so cute but naughty. What colour is he?
How are you doing today tulip?
Lots of love flo xx
Posted on July 27, 2012 at 11:47 AM
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Hi Flower,
Listening to music is a huge relaxation thing for me, also drawing/writing - either a story, poetry or in a journal.
Do you enjoy reading? To begin with i didnt have much concentration for reading, but now i am really enjoying reading again, and i find if i start reading after a meal when i am anxious that i can get lost in the book, and before i know it half an hour has passed.
I've also tried knitting, but i'm a bit of a perfectionist so that didnt go so well
Hope you are ok, and that some of these tips may help you.
Flo x
Posted on July 27, 2012 at 11:37 AM
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Hi Hope and Faith, i have been having the same problems. I was an and on the point of a hospital admission but i really didnt want that to happen so i tried really hard, and i did gain the weight. Still struggling with the thoughts and i have depression but i've been coping, i've always purged. Then i started binging and purging, which i think is almost more difficult emotionally to deal with. Now i am restricting and binging occasionally but feel very down and yuck about myself.
I am under CAMHS, and the advice they give is to try and eat often, so that you dont allow yourself to get too hungry, small and often. Also if there are times when you feel like you are about to binge to try and distract yourself, by creating 'hurdles', i tend to go for a walk, ring a friend, draw, listen to music etc. Just try and keep eating regularly if possible, that will help your metabolism also.
It is so much easier to give this advice than actually apply it toyourself.
I hope that helped a little and you are ok sweet.
Love flo x
Posted on July 27, 2012 at 11:34 AM
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Hi Bunnylove, i was really angry and disappointed at first. The fact that the team at the challenge and my team at Camhs had made the decision i wasn't safe to go without me having a say made me so frustrated. I guess if i look at it now when i'm calmer and more rational i can see that they just needed to cover their own backs, and had my best interests at heart. I'm going to look into doing some voluntary work, and there is also a female only volunteering project happening towards the end of the holidays. I have 6 weeks off now until i start my final year at A level, i'm nervous of how to fill my time, and that i do not have the structure of school, or the free time to use the gym facilities, which is causing me anxiety. but for now I've been going for runs, helps me clear my head. I'm about to write a CV so i can apply for a new job as i am not enjoying working in my current position anymore, my boss is very flirty and sometimes inappropriate, and i think i need an environment which is not involving food.
it is really lovely and reassuring to hear you words Bunnylove, i have such admiration for you Thankyou for helping me remember it isnt a bad thing to eat, and that my body will eventually settle if i eat healthily, it is just a scary thing to get my head around. I think it is brilliant that you have dance, and that you managed to have your daughter. I havent really thought about my fertility in the long term, my periods are affected but i've just dismissed that. but i would like to be a mom, i love children.
How is your dancing going at the moment? and OU? Bunnylove a pass is fantastic! I too beat myself up for not getting the good enough grade, but 'what is good at enough?' I am very proud, and that is such an achievement, I think you feel a little sense of pride/achievement that you are strong enough to not let the OCD rule. Well done!
I am feeling in a good mood this morning, the sun in shining which i believe is such an influence on mood, the vitamin D definitely causes the feel good factor.
Hi Rachlou, so glad you are learning to be easier on yourself, i do that too. Constantly worrying about what i have or havent done, and if it was good enough, or blaming myself when i actually had no control over the situation. For me the easiest way to lessen this is to imagine if i were my best friend, and they were telling me what i tell myself, then i think of what i would say to them, like encouragement and reassurance, the more positive things which i find hard to accept myself - not sure i am explaining myself well but i hope you understand where i am coming from?
Really glad you got your first CBT session, i get on really well with my therapist, she is very warm and has a lovely calming voice, i find it hard to be dishonest with her. She makes me smile too when i am having a 'flapping moment' during a session.
I think it's fab that you are not letting the little slip turn into a big slip, i find that difficult.
I turn 18 soon and the team were talking about a transition to adults, they asked me what i wanted, and i said i worried because i'd already been using the service for 2 years, and although i've made alot of progress, at the same time i'm still holding onto my eating disordered thinking and i dont want to waste anymore time. Also the idea of talking to someone new and change is horrible. I dont know what to do, my dietician said she doesnt feel happy to discharge me, and i should just give adults a try, and if i dont like it i dont have to carry on going, but i dont know.
My reply is so long! Sorry guys. Hope you are all ok?
Lots of love, flo x
Posted on July 23, 2012 at 10:58 AM
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Woah, my brain is fried. I had all the notifications of posts arrive at once. Is lovely to hear from everyone!
Bunny love i'm so glad it went without a hitch That is brilliant. I've actually felt in control in regards to binging, for me i got to my 'healthy weight' and then started binging, felt stuck in a rut. How long did it take for you to feel ok about food, once you started eating healthily?
Tulip, i'm glad it was helpful, it really helped me too. I went and saw her again today, and she said we need to find an incentive for me to stand up to anorexia, not because of other people. I'm really struggling with it,
Rachlou i agree, you are right. i am trying to think of the positive things and use those when i am struggling, its sad but i cant remember what i was like before the eating became an issue. I miss being more relaxed and carefree. But i agree with what you said about when you smile even when things arent really okay, it does lift your mood. Those around you are happy when you smile at them, and generally everyone seems in a more positive mood, it is much easier to get through the day like this than having people constantly asking what is wrong.
Something i am really frustrated with is that i haven't been allowed to go on my challenge due to my emotional health and eating disorder, i've hated having those labels, and disagreeing with them, but they wanted me to go at a different time when they would have staff available to support me, but i dont understand how having a member of staff to help me would have made much of a difference. I really am fine to go on the residential. Sigh and huff.
How are you guys all doing? Look forward to hear from you, a quote one of the moms told me which i really loved was 'You alone can do it, but you cant do it alone'
Love flo x
Posted on July 12, 2012 at 8:26 PM
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Hi, i'm 17,
currently suffering from anorexia and depression, i had been in recovery on and off for about 6 months, but i've recently relapsed.
Feeling very hopeless, my relationships with the people i care about are suffering, i'm deceptive and manipulative, and i dont want that. I just feel so scared, I'm trying to avoid inpatients, just feel so tired. Yesterday i saw my dietician after a long time without seeing her and she said she was concerned, and how long do i think my body will cope with this, and i didnt have an answer. I have a younger sister, and two loving parents who are seperated but i hate the worry i'm causing them.
Flo
Posted on July 11, 2012 at 8:46 AM
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Hey rach, dont apologise isnt your fault
I'm fine with it now, something we have to live with, and her health is so much better currently than it has been in a long time.
I'm really proud of you! Well done your words have most definitely helped me and made me smile on a down day. Thankyou.
Ohh let me know how that goes, i've been having CBT for a while now, i think it is helpful but i feel a bit stuck atm, i've been in therapy 2 years August, and i've relapsed twice, this is my third time. I get to my target weight, start to manage my 3 meals + snacks, but then anxiety and s/h kicks in and I struggle. Yday my dietician said how many times do you think your body is going to cope with this? I didnt have an answer, she has given me alot to think about, i feel awful, i keep questioning if i have an illness, do i want recovery, what is recovery? etc
I think that CBT will definitely help with anxiety, this may seem really silly, but something that stuck out in my mind was when i said that because i work in a fast food restaurant when it comes to break times i feel vulnerable because of all the food and i get scared i might binge or purge, and if i'm with other people this helps me. My psychologist told me to go and sit on the lobby area where all the customers are eating, i was horrified at this idea, terrified people would look at me and know, but then she explained to me that noone can actually see the thoughts that are going through my head, and i wont look out of place amongst those customers, the anxiety i had a sticking out was so extreme, but it turned out to be purely psychological
I'm really glad youre doing ok Rach! Lots of love xxxx
Posted on July 11, 2012 at 8:38 AM
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Hi Bunnylove,
thankyou so much for your kind and wise words. I'm finding things really difficult, tomorrow i'm seeing the dietician, i'm really nervous because i've not been weighed for a while, and i think i am going to have lost. This seems so strange and double edged, i'm scared of being weighed and having lost weight because then it will confirm that i have been letting anorexia be in control, and it will cause concern for others, but i also feel i want to have lost. I'm struggling with my general portions at dinner, and i know that the dietician is going to say i need to eat more, i'm worried they'll take the control off me.
I know that when i eat more i have more energy, and concentration, and i am more fun to be around, but i hate my body, i feel less confidence. I''m not going on my residential trip now, as i'm not considered healthy enough. I'm working on a compromise.
It sounds so fun going away to a holiday cottage! i love the outdoors, when i had to think of a relaxing place for part of my cbt i imagined myself in a log cabin in the middle of the forest. :') Ohh, do you have another show coming up? I think it is brilliant you are taking part in the dance classes, i hope to be as active and sociable as you are when i am older. You are right, i dont trust myself or my body yet. How are the classes going? Hows your bunny? Well done on coping with the unexpected phonecall and change in routine, you are doing fabulously. Lots of love xxxx
Hey Tulip, it was the university residential yes, but i'm not going now. My kitten is doing really well, she was spayed the other week and felt very sorry for herself wearing the collar and 'lampshade' , i felt such a mean owner but she is now on the mend and enjoying lots of cuddles, and now she has been microchipped if she does go outside i will feel much more reassured Please try not to be cross at yourself, imagine if it were me telling you how i had slipped up, what would you say to me? Try not to think of it as you not doing well, maybe just hitting a speed bump along the road, but youre still heading towards your destination? I'm really proud of you sweet. Love flo xxx
Hi RachLou,
my mom has a heart condition, she had to have a major operation and we were really scared she wouldnt make it, it is something she has had to live with since she was small, i think it is terrifying because illness is something we cannot control. But as we cannot control it, i think worrying about it excessively is uneccessary, i'm not sure how to lessen the anxiety, buy i think trying to remain positive, and having honesty is helpful.I think moving forward is the best option, and i think you are very articulate an imagine that your journal is brilliant How are you doing atm? I hope everything is ok. Love Flo x
Posted on July 09, 2012 at 5:39 PM
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Hey Bunnylove, i already feel so overwhelmed, we called 'her anna' and her voice is so strong. i've had a 5 week period of no appointment with the dietician it has been much easier to let things slide.
I break up in 2 weeks, but a week Saturday is the residential trip, and then my summer off school is packed! What plans do you have for the autumn? So glad you will see your daughter. How are things going? Ohh, what is your assignment about?
Lots of love, flo.xx
p.s Hey tulip, you ok?Xxx
Posted on July 05, 2012 at 11:32 AM
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Hey Bunnylove, i already feel so overwhelmed, we called 'her anna'. i've had a 5 week period of no appointment with the dietician it has been much easier to let things slide.
theyve said inpatients will be the next step unless i can increase my intake, weigh in next week i'm dreading.
I break up in 2 weeks, but a week Saturday is the residential trip, and then my summer off school is packed! What plans do you have for the autumn? So glad you will see your daughter. How are things going? Ohh, what is your assignment about?
Lots of love, flo.xx
p.s Hey tulip, you ok?Xxx
Posted on July 05, 2012 at 10:28 AM
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Hey RachLou,
It's really positive that you can identify your triggers and are aware how the binging relates to your self image. It's a great way of looking at things, one day at a time. I agree, it is beneficial to create 'hurdles' for when you feel like you need to binge, or purge of self harm whatever, but when you are in that frame of mind at the time it is hard to remember these. I have tried journelling, i keep a diary and write poems, havent been doing that as often recently so i will start that back up, thankyou for reminding me. I'm glad youre finding that helpful.
I study biology, pe and psychology at A2 so i know exactly what i should do also, just cant bring myself to do it alot of the time.
Thankyou so much for your support.
How are you doing today? Lots of love, flo x
Posted on July 05, 2012 at 10:24 AM
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Welcome Rachelou, welcome to beat, how are you doing? I think this site is amazing for making you feel a bit more normal and less alone And tulip and bunnylove are brilliant!
Hey Bunnylove how are things going? And tulip how are you?
i'm sorry i've not been posting, things have just been crazy.
I've relapsed, been struggling more and more yday it all came out, and my mom told me she knew what was happening. I had an appointment today and i was really honest and i'm scheduled to see her again next week and the dietician. So fingers crossed i feel so much better Hope everyone is doing well, so proud of you all. Lots of love. Flo x
Posted on July 03, 2012 at 7:53 PM
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Hi Bunnylove, thankyou, i did really enjoy my break from work.
For most people it does not seem a big deal but i think hvaing a day that is different from your usual routine is pretty daunting, like atm i am having to start thinking about University and i've signed up to do this amazing programme called 'The Challenge' - it consists of a week away at a residential, then a week away living at university in halls doing a chosen subject to study, then you return home and attend meetings in the day time. I have been given a confirmation email and completed all the relevant forms, but i still dont know where the residential or uni will be based, or what the food will be, and i wont know anybody, so i am absolutely terrifed. I'm so glad you enjoyed the day and participated, are you looking forward to the olympics?
How is your OU course going?
i didnt go to my appointment with the dietician, i'm coping without s/h or purging, which is a big deal for me, but i am finding it hard to keep eating proper sized portions. My friend has just given birth to her little girl, and i went to see her today, and it was so lovely, she said she thought i looked a little tired and had i lost weight again - havent seen her for a few weeks it is so frustrating! Hope you are well.
Tulip, dont worry about not posting, how was your time away?
Things with my mom are ok, we are so close which i think is what is hard, because i hate dissapointing her, and we are very alike in our personalities. She has been going on at me alot, but she has said it it just because she worries and she loves me, she doesnt want me to go away on the trip if i'm not eating more because she doesnt think i'm eating enough, but were ok, i'm just happy that she is healthy right now.
Dont worry Tulip, imagine what you would say to us if we were in your situation, we are always so much more critical and harsh of ourselves. Try not to beat yourself up too much, and remember that recovery is full of lots of up and downs, it isnt a straight line, that is what i am trying to think.
It is lovely to hear from you again. lots of love. Flo xx
Posted on June 19, 2012 at 7:53 PM
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Hi guys, sorry i havent been online, i have been away for the week to Cornwall, the weather was awful but it was nice to be away from home and not have school or work.
How are you doing?
I have been taking my meds each day and they are definitely helping my mood and anxiety, the suicidal thoughts are much less too.
I'm stills struggling with my body, it took me quite a while to re gain the weight i lost, and i reached my target weight but the thoughts were still strong and the team still thought i was slight, which i disagree with. My body seems to settle at a weight slightly heavier than my target weight, and although family and friends say that i look slim but healthy i feel horrible. The past couple weeks the anorexic thoughts are really strong and i'm so rigid in what i will eat, i'm starting to argue more with my mom who i am really close to because she isnt happy with the amount i am eating, and eating out has become stressful again. Not really sure what to do, because i dont want to go to see my dietician and her say i'm slipping up, but at the same time i cant get bigger, i'm not sure if this is rational or not. Sorry for my moan, i'm just not sure who to talk to.
Hope you have had a good weekend with the Jubilee.
Lots of love Flo xxxx
Posted on June 09, 2012 at 10:44 AM
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Hey Tulip,
Sorry i havent been online, i'm in my first year of A levels, i've already sat exams in January, i've had 2 exams this week Biology, and Psychology. I'm really worried about the science exam, but i think my psychology exam went well today. I've sat them in a different room and it's been alot better and less anxious.
I saw the psychiatrist with my mom last week and she diagnosed depression and anxiety, it was hard but i'm glad that i went and was honest about how i'm feeling. She prescribed an antidepressant which i've started taking and i'm increasing the dose tomorrow as i havent had any side effects which is good. I have one exam left now, it's stressful but i'm coping.
I'm sorry to hear things are a struggle, how are you doing now? Have you seen the psychologist yet?
Hey Bunnylove, how are you doing sweet?
Hope everything is well, having trouble looking at the previous post so i'm sorry this isnt detailed.
Welcome Bling, this site is brilliant for talking to those who are going through similar issues and supporting one another. Well done on seeking support, i hope going to the support meetings will help. I agree with Tulip this must be very difficult to deal with being unemployed too, i have a part time job and school and that distracts me but i still find my thoughts consumed.
Thankyou for thinking of me guys, lots of love Flo x
Posted on May 23, 2012 at 10:07 PM
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Bunnylove, that story is brilliant, i can imagine the stress and turmoil at the time, would have had a complete meltdown, that you can look back at it now and smile is great I am just finding everything really difficult right now, i'm coping better in some aspects that but i am finding every day hard, i dont feel at all in control of my emotions. I had an appt yesterday and my weight had increased, then i had a blip which i had been doing much better with. The pyschologist rang my parents to tell them about the low thoughts and i know they are there to support me i just feel scared of how i feel. I am also a week away from my exams and i dont feel prepared, everything just seems so overwhelming and i dont know what to do. Have two appts in the next 2 days so there is support but i feel unworthy, and taking up someone else's space tbh. Thankyou for the advice, i am making little goals now, a couple days ahead, then i feel i have achieved something. How are you? I am happy your holiday has worked out and you can still do what you want to do also, it's really good you are trying to be flexible, i'm proud of you.
Hey Tulip, so happy to hear from you, That walk story made me smile, reminded me of when i did my camping trip with school 2 years ago, i had to climb over a fence my bag was very heavy and made me off balanced and caused me to fall over the fence and land in a huge muddy puddle. At the time i was not happy, but now i can smile at it and laugh at how silly it was. I felt that when i started therapy i didnt have a good enough reason to be there, like nothing serious had happened. After looking back now i realise there were some pretty significant events, but even so, in psychology we learn how lots of smaller issues (daily hassles) can sometimes be as stressful/traumatic as an ongoing chronic stressor. Also everyone handles things differently, i hope you find the support helpful If i could meet you and actually share my pet with you Tulip then i would. Lots of hugs xxxxx
Posted on May 15, 2012 at 3:00 PM
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Hey Bunnylove, thankyou for thinking of me, it really means alot. How are you finding the working online more? Are you feeling any better, i hope you are ok. It's brilliant that you are using your new knowledge from the nutrition module to help you :')
Thankyou for acknowledging i have been trying with my meal plan, it's a huge achievement you are able to have some meals which are preplanned,
I am so happy your remaining bunny is fighting on. I have a kitten now and i do find it very relaxing to sit there and cuddle her when i am feeling upset or worried. The example of the tunnel is great imagery, i do feel a little bit trapped in the dark part at the moment. When i saw my psych last week i was having a down day and i'd spoke really quickly almost rambling about what was going on in my head, i felt so ashamed that my thoughts have been so low, but i have my assessment with the psychiatrist in 2 weeks, i'm finding things harder because my mood is lower, but my anxiety is increased and thats affecting my eating.
Tulip, thankyou so much, i do worry that i am moaning being selfish, although when you two share problems i feel honoured that you feel able to do that and have that level of trust. I'm really proud of you for continuing onm the ups and downs can feel exhausting. Please let us know how it went with your GP, thinking of you alot. Lots of love Flo x
Posted on May 09, 2012 at 11:13 AM
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