Member Since
October 13, 2012

spats

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re: Where is the line... please help

Hi Bee, thanks for the advise. I will give it a go, it's something I already do, but have trouble focusing on whats actually going on for me and really connecting with the emotions other than the depression. Maybe I just need to try and be a bit more honest with myself, but I have never been any good with journals.

Posted on March 07, 2013 at 11:15 AM

re: Where is the line... please help

Hi Caitlin,
thanks for the reply. I had an incredibly difficult childhood . I'm slowly beginning to deal with it after completely crashing about six years ago and ending up in hospital after a suicide attempt, it feels like its taking my an age to get to a point where I can just appreciate myself for who I am, as I had years of being told I was worthless. I can see that over the years of talking therapy (CAT, and just plain counselling) that I have made progress, I no longer have any contact with my family which has allowed me to start moving on with my life, but the depression is always there, like its waiting. I use mindfulness and other things i have learnt along the way to try and deal with the way it makes me feel, but it just doesn't seem to work for the really tough emotions, it doesn't help me deal with the hopelessness. The eating disorder has been with me in one shape or another the entire time, with my weight going up and down, I feel it is my coping mechanism, as much as I hate saying that because it just makes me feel completely ashamed. Things got much worse for me over the weekend despite trying to get support, i found there to be none, so I fell back into old habits just to cope, I'm so ashamed. I have no idea what to do, the psychologist at the ed service i go to, thinks that as long as I'm being monitored by the gp it will be fine for a little while just until i get out of this dip, but i really don't want to speak with the gp about it because i feel so stupid and my weight is ok at the moment. It just doesn't feel like a comfy place to be. Anyway thanks again for replying its good to just get it out as I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. all the best spats x

Posted on March 06, 2013 at 7:31 PM

Where is the line... please help

Hi, I really don't know where to start, I posted on here a while ago about having a bit of a blip. I was using the ED to deal with depression and feeling very low, I was in a really bad place. Since then I managed to get back on track and regain some of the weight that I had lost and luckily it wasn't too serious, but since being back on track with food, my mood has plummeted and I'm back at square one feeling incredibly low, I have done everything your meant to do and have spoken with my gp and therapists etc, in their opinion medication is unlikely to work, I have been through a long list of meds trying to resolve mood issues but nothing has helped. I can't begin to tell you how much this worries me. I just don't know what to do. The saying rock and a hard place comes to mind... Any advise would be hugely appreciated. Thanks spats x

Posted on February 26, 2013 at 8:17 PM

Which way to turn?

Ok so I'm on the boards again, I have hit a wall after trying to make myself get up to a better weight I am now feeling like this is not where i want to be, I hate myself. Whilst my body is probably the healthiest it has been in a while i'm feeling more ashamed of myself than ever. I want to be content with myself I want to make positive changes in my life, but all I think about is how much food i eat my weight and purging. I'm recently engaged and feel i should be happy, but i spend all my time feeling worthless. I'm not good enough. Everything that passes my lips makes me feel worse, I'm so angry with myself. fighting it is leading me down a path of self destruction.

Posted on January 03, 2013 at 10:29 PM

Am I being naive?

Okay so I have been really struggling with things lately. I'm back in a bad pattern, I know why I'm doing it, I can't cope. I spoke in a group I go to about how I'm feeling about things right now, it didn't go down very well, and I'm now left feeling like I shouldn't have voiced my feelings and it has put me off being open all together!

Posted on November 09, 2012 at 9:04 PM

re: New and needing some advise...relapse or blip?

Hi Bunny love, My friend has been here for a few days now, its going ok I'm still not feeling great, but I have actually managed to talk to her about it. Its incredibly difficult to get my head around, but I'm telling myself that I need to give it a chance and hopefully it will get easier.



Its great that you managed to have a good lunch with your friend, its really good to be able to actually accept it, it can be really hard can't it. That sounds really difficult to have to listen to your husband talking about weight all the time, does he realise how tuff that is for you, maybe you could ask him to stop, it might make things easier. I had to stop my own partner from eating certain foods in the house because I found it really triggering, I found it helped.

Hope your having a good day, I'm going out for lunch soon so trying not to worry it.



love



Spats. x

Posted on October 23, 2012 at 9:47 AM

re: New and needing some advise...relapse or blip?

Hi Bunny love,

Thanks for your support on this one, having an opportunity to get things written down is helping me to clear my head a bit, and enabling me to think about how I'm going to handle this blip.

I had a complete melt down last night about the prospect of my friend staying, but then really just tried to accept that she cares, and that I don't have to hide anything from her, it is only my disordered thinking that is making me feel like this.
I plan to just be as open as possible, I do not want to fall back into lying about things again, I think the prospect of that scared me, but the fact is she isn't going to do anything bad, she just wants to help, and she will be ok with me taking it as slowly as I need to as long as I am actually honest with her.

So on Sunday when she arrives we plan on going out for a drink and a long chat about what to do, and writing up a bit of plan to get me back on track. It does scare me, I'm not going to lie, because this is a coping mechanism and I'm afraid to deal with how I'm feeling at the moment because of other things, but I also feel very lucky to have such a fabulous friend and also lucky to be in a place where I can ask for that help.



This is new ground but I'm going to walk it with honest steps and see where it takes me.



Hope your well, all the best



Love



Spats x

Posted on October 19, 2012 at 4:21 PM

re: New and needing some advise...relapse or blip?

Hi there Bunny love,

It sounds like a good idea to think about the things I have achieved since the beginning of recovery, , I will give it a go, and as you say you found it helpful which is great.

It seems like a really positive way of thinking about it as goes your daughter coming to stay, it sounds so much nicer to be thinking of how nice it will be to share meal times than to be worrying about them all the time, it can spoil some really special times can't it.



I'm still waiting to find out if my friend can come down, she needs to sort it out with work, but as much as I hate the idea I do feel like I need the support, and she is super supportive and I have known her for absolute years so she isn't afraid to tell me I'm wrong, which is sometimes a good thing.

I also took the chance today to speak with someone after group, as I didn't really want to bring it up during. It was much of the same old advise , She suggested I ask for another review at the EDS, I can't say I found any of it too helpful but at least she didn't just say it was nothing. I guess its just a case of seeing how things go.



Hope your well, all the best



Spats x

Posted on October 18, 2012 at 7:03 PM

re: New and needing some advise...relapse or blip?

Hi Bunnylove,



Thank you so much for the reply. It really is just very difficult to stick to it sometimes isn't it, I think it's probably one of those things that will be playing at the back of my mind for years to come even when I'm recovered fully. I have actually spoken to a friend who has offered to come down and say with me and my partner for a while to help me out because I have really just been struggling with everything at the moment, I'm just feeling hesitant about her coming. I can see that my friend staying would be a good thing but I'm just afraid of the angry eating disorder me losing it at having my control taken away again. I feel stuck in two minds about the whole thing, I can see that I'm not in a good place with it. I just hate this. Its just out of control and I dont know what to do. I go to a group at an EDS but i dont feel like i can talk to them about it.



Thanks again for the reply



all the best



spats x

Posted on October 18, 2012 at 11:26 AM

New and needing some advise...relapse or blip?

Hi, I'm new to the boards and would really appreciate some advice if anyone would like to reply. I'm not sure where to start other than the fact that I have been in recovery from EDNOS for the past year or so, its felt like a really long road, and I had managed to put on the weight I had lost over a bad patch a couple of years or so ago, plus a bit more. But of late I have been dealing with some really tuff things from my past and have yet again found myself going back to my old habits, I can accept that I'm going to do this sometimes as they are life long habits, but lately my weight has dropped and I don't seem to be able to stop myself from falling backwards. I guess I'm just worried that this isn't just a blip but I feel reluctant to talk to EDS about it, as I don't think I can bare just being told I know what to do, but I feel like I'm going back to square one, and the lying is starting all over again. I know I need to just get back into a healthier routine, but that feels un-acheviable at this point, I feel like I can't cope with out the ED, but I equally feel like I can't cope if I end up at the weight I was trying to eat properly again.

I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but any advice would be greatly appreciated, as I feel as though I'm being dragged under yet again.

Many thanks

Spats x

Posted on October 16, 2012 at 6:55 PM
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