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Hi there,
I'm sorry that things are getting tough again and you're struggling.
I guess the thing that struck me in your message is your observation that last time round it was circumstances that made the difference - that when you were spending time with people who were hurting you, you struggled and that you felt better when you surrounded yourself with beautiful people.
It made me wonder what had changed again now in your circumstances or in your relationships that might be triggering the current mindset?
Take care. Caitlin x
Posted on April 17, 2013 at 12:28 PM
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Hi there Spats,
Thanks for your reply and for helping me to understand a bit more. Things sound really difficult at the moment and it sounds frustrating that you have not been able to access the support you feel you need right now.
Like you, I had an extremely difficult childhood and no longer have contact with my family (families, in fact - I was in foster care for a time and later adopted) and I do really understand how very desperate, lonely and hopeless we can feel at times.
It sounds really promising that you can use mindfulness strategies to cope with some of the less intense but still difficult emotions that arise, but it sounds like what you're saying is that at those REALLY difficult times you need connection with someone who understands - that those other strategies are not enough.
What are your support networks like outside of the mental health system? It sounds like you feel you don't have the kind of relationship with your GP that you would find supportive at those times, but that the ED service does not have the provision to offer crisis support during those really dark times.
It made me think a bit about what works for me at those times. Before entering therapy, intimate relationships felt impossible for me but I did have a very good friend who could understand, and helped me through the very tough times. I also established some very close connections with people I met through this kind of forum - one in particular who was working through similar issues to me during the time that I was struggling the most and we forged an online friendship that helped. I was also very lucky to be in a position to access private psychotherapy at a very reduced rate and saw my therapist 3 times a week - I wonder whether any private therapy would be an option for you if NHS provision is limited (some of the major organisations offer highly reduced rates in some circumstances). In any event, use these boards - they're wonderful!
Sorry that you're struggling - do talk with me more if it helps! xx
Posted on March 07, 2013 at 10:28 PM
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Hi all,
I was a very regular user of these boards several years ago, and now only post very occasionally and normally with a message like this one because I remember how encouraging I used to find them. I have been in full recovery from anorexia and bulimia for four years and just wanted to post as a reminder that recovery IS possible (and worth it!)
I had a range of problems associated with complex PTSD / borderline PD - including anorexia and bulimia, depression, self-harm, anxiety and a dissociative disorder. I experienced those symptoms from the age of 12 and they had massive consequences on my educational attainment, functioning at work and my relationships. I was a real mess.
I sought help at the age of 24 and was offered very intensive psychotherapy. It not only saved my life but has put it on a whole new path. I have now recovered from every single one of those problems (self-harm first, then the ED, then depression, then dissociation and finally anxiety), I'm in a career I love, I'm engaged to be married in the autumn and we're making plans to start a family. Life is wonderful!
When we're in the depths of our problems, it can be easy to think that this is how it's 'always' going to be and nothing can ever change. I despaired like that so often. But life CAN change - grab every therapeutic opportunity with both hands and put in the hard work because the other side is SO much nicer!
Lots of love, Caitlin xx
Posted on March 06, 2013 at 12:07 PM
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Do you know what the triggers are to you feeling low?
Medication is not always the best course of action, and in fact psychological therapies can in some instances be far more effective.
You mentioned therapists in your post. What kinds of therapy have you tried?
Posted on March 06, 2013 at 11:56 AM
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Honey, If you feel it's not helpful,you might consider leaving the course and go back to your GP.
Posted on February 17, 2013 at 8:32 PM
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Dear Lucy,
I'm glad that you're trying to keep a mood diary and write things down; that will be really helpful and may not only help you to communicate to others how you feel, but also to recognise for yourself whether there are any patterns in your thinking and feeling that can help you to understand what's going on. I'm fully recovered now and have been for nearly 4 years, but still keep records about anxieties that come up to help me work through them.
In answer to your question, yes - I've had therapy and found it wonderfully life-changing. I was offered input from the Eating Disorders Service but turned that down in favour of private psychoanalytic psychotherapy. I made this decision because I was offered intensive three times a week therapy at a very reduced rate and felt on discussion with my employers (who had some expertise in this area) that this would be the more appropriate avenue for me given that my eating disorder was one of a range of problems I had been experiencing over a very long time.
I started all that in 2006 and it been incredible - and I have over time been able to resolve my eating disorder, self-harm, depression, much of my anxiety and my dissociative disorder. I've learned so much about myself, about my emotions and about relationships - culminating in having been able to enter a relationship with a wonderful man to whom I will be getting married in the autumn. I never thought any of this would be possible.
I have friends who have had different kinds of therapy to mine and who have also been helped by them - so I don't think therapy necessarily needs to be that intensive or long-term. But I'm very grateful for the opportunity I've had!
Lucy, I remember that I too had to wait at the beginning, even though I'd opted to go private. This was because like you I had to go through an assessment process and then wait to be allocated to an appropriate therapist. I found that wait quite tough, having opened up some of the issues at assessment. All I can say, like I said before, is that the wait can be well worth it. Hang on in there!
Caitlin x
Posted on February 12, 2013 at 9:06 PM
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Dear Lucy,
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this and to hear about the difficulty you've had in accessing the help you are waiting for. It must feel so very frustrating and disheartening. I'm pleased, though, that your needs have been recognised and understood.
This will be easier for me to say than for you to feel - but please try not to see the waiting lists as evidence that people don't care, because I'm sure they really do. It's a hard and horrible fact that the need for psychological therapy can far exceed the resources in some areas - but I'm sure that psychologist would have wanted to help you then and there if she could.
A suggestion that I have is to find out what might be available to you whilst you are waiting for that therapy - for example, the support of a CPN or other care co-ordinator - just to help you through whilst you wait. If that's not been offered to you now, do you think you might be able to ask for it, or ask someone you trust to ask on your behalf? I think it would also be a really good idea to keep some records - of things like your eating, your mood and your self-harm - so that when you do start therapy, you'll be able to use them to think with your therapist about any patterns and the things that are particularly triggering to you.
Once you embark on psychological therapy, it can be wonderfully life-changing and well worth the wait... it can just also be a very disheartening wait. Look after yourself and best of luck.
Caitlin xxx
Posted on February 07, 2013 at 9:24 AM
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Em,
My psychotherapy has been dealing with a bundle of issues. I recognise all the feelings you named. The process has felt at times for me exposing, betraying and frightening, but worth it if it means living an independent life free of the hang ups that come from past issues. Mine has been absolutely life changing. You go for it girl!
Caitlin
Posted on December 30, 2012 at 1:12 AM
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Hey Bluenose, how are you? Your little boy must be getting pretty big now! Hope all is well xx
Posted on December 20, 2012 at 1:34 PM
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Sounds tough. What would be helpful? And what would be helpful from folk here? xxx
Posted on December 17, 2012 at 7:53 PM
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Hi Songbird,
I recovered through the work I did in very intensive psychotherapy - I was offered the opportunity of attending three times a week and my psychotherapist has been wonderfully committed and skilled. However, I've friends who have recovered from eating disorders with less intensive therapies than mine. Mine worked for me because I was contending with a raft of issues stemming from my experiences , and bloomin' 'eck it's been life changing!! Best of luck with your journey.
Caitlin xxxxx
Posted on December 14, 2012 at 6:28 PM
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Hi Em,
I remember you -
Hope you're ok!
Caitlin x
Posted on December 12, 2012 at 5:54 PM
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Hi everyone,
I have not posted on these boards for a long long time but posted regularly when my eating disorder was bad.
I experienced anorexia and bulimia from the age of 12 until I finally sought help at the age of 24. At that point, I was pretty desperate and hopeless. I thought that change would never ever be possible and therapy was SUCH hard work. It took a long time but I eventually entered recovery in 2009 and have never looked back. By April, I'll be four years free of my eating disorder after so many years of struggle.
My life now is wonderful - and I never thought that possible. I enjoy food and cooking. My eating disorder made it impossible for be to be in a relationship but I met a wonderful man several months after I entered recovery with whom I know I will be spending the rest of my life. Now that I'm able to give my work my full attention and concentration, I have made great strides in my career. Life is good!
Recovery is bloomin hard work but worth absolutely every moment of it.... please believe it's possible if you let yourself do the work you need to.
Beat, thank you for all the support you gave me during the peak of my struggles those years ago.
Merry Christmas and all best wishes for 2013,
Caitlin x
Posted on December 12, 2012 at 5:42 PM
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Hi Topham2401,
I thought your post was really interesting. It sounds like you're trying to understand why you might be feeling so irritated by your counsellor - wondering whether it is something about her so that you need to look elsewhere, wondering whether it's something to do with you that you just need to stick out, or whether the resentment might be coming because of the financial strain the counselling is putting you under.
The thing with a therapeutic relationship is that - like with any other relationship, there will be times when the person annoys us or gets things wrong - but the beauty of that relationship is that those dynamics can be talked about and understood. You don't need to be wondering alone why you're feeling like you are - you can tell her and work it out together! It's almost the only relationship in which it's possible to do that and grow from it.
Some of my best progress came in therapy when I became able to take up feelings with my therapist rather than trying to ignore them and avoid them.
Good luck!
Caitlin x
Posted on May 11, 2012 at 5:36 PM
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Thanks Abi. Please don't get me wrong - I am happy with my life, I have some loving relationships now with my partner and his family and life is much MUCH better than before. I feel very very sad about the grief I feel about not being able to have the relationship that I wish with my therapist (and in turn my birthmother) and we're working through that grief at the moment. I go through black moments when it really hurts but I'm back on fighting form today!! Thanks for support xx
Posted on April 27, 2012 at 6:41 PM
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Hi both,
Thanks again for your replies. I'm really struggling with this just now. I see my therapist three times a week, so we've been working intensively on this and understanding the feelings of loss and grief underlying them, and I swear I feel more in touch with my pain than I ever have been.
It hurts SO much, and I feel like I've lost all of the ways I used to have to avoid these feelings. In the past, . I've worked through all of those things and now it's just about facing the pain head on, I'm struggling! I get stomach pain when I'm upset, and that's overwhelming today in addition to the emotional pain and I had to come home from work.
What's hurting is the realisation that all of that longing and yearning that I feel - - - that emptiness may never be fulfilled. I do have some comfort from the experiences I am having with my partner and his family - and in the knowledge that we will have our own family in the future - but right now, I just feel like I've done ten rounds and the punches are still coming. I am SO jealous of others' lives and others' families -
I try very desperately hard not to feel sorry for myself normally, and therapist have both said that I mustn't see this like that and that I need to give myself the time to grieve the childhood that I lost... I don't know... I just want the pain to stop.
Anyway, sorry to go on - feel like I'm struggling at the moment - thanks again both for your replies and hope you're both ok.
Caitlin x
Posted on April 26, 2012 at 3:52 PM
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Dear Abi, Bernie and Adele,
Thanks so much for getting back to me. I agree that - given she's offering me the opportunity to work through these feelings with her - I'd be foolish to turn my back on that offer.
It's hard though because I feel so very ashamed and embarrassed about feeling that way about her - she's almost the last person I want to talk to about that! I've been staunchingly independent all of my life because I've had to be, and it took such a very long time to let myself trust her and depend on her in any way in therapy - it feels very alien to now be needing to work on feelings of having become too attached. This came up in part, I think, because we had agreed that in most ways the work was ready to end, but not without dealing with this aspect of the relationship first. Sigh.
Abi>>> Thank you for your very kind words, and it is reassuring to know that others have felt this way towards their therapists too. Are you in therapy at the moment?
Bernie>>> Thank you for your post and for the congratulations - it does feel wonderful to have left that part of my life behind. How are things for you?
Adele>>> Yes, I think you're right - these feelings are very definitely fuelled by the fact that she is the first person in my life who has seemed to care. Since embarking on therapy, I have learned to open myself up to other loving relationships so I do have others in my life now (and in particular my wonderful partner and his lovely family) - but she was the first and that feels SO important to me. I know you're having a struggle getting the help you need, and I hope that you are able to find something appropriate soon xx
I wish you all well in your own journeys... it's damn hard work at times, isn't it?!
Caitlin xx
Posted on April 23, 2012 at 3:37 PM
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Hi Millie,
As my previous messages did not reach you, let me try again. I won't go into too much detail here, as I'm a bit uncomfortable in a public forum, but here's my tuppence worth anyway...
I believe that many people in the helping professions will have had their own experience of moving through difficult times because these experiences can (pending appropriate reflection) foster real empathy. Some authors have written about the suggestion that ideas, theories and practices are more meaningful when we can personally embody and incorporate them into our stories of our own lives.
That said, resonance has risks too - it can lead us to make assumptions, to hear what we 'think' we hear rather than what is before us, to underestimate or overestimate the risk of a given situation etc etc etc. And of course if any of our own distress is current rather than past then it obviously shapes our thinking, feeling and judgement about a given situation - so really really important to try and work through as much of it as you can now.
But we can never rule out human propensity towards distress - there will always be things that upset us and make us anxious etc etc etc. The key is being able to reflect openly and honestly, and use supervision to help us manage the impact of our stuff on our work, and the impact of our work on us.
Is that helpful?
Caitlin x
Posted on April 23, 2012 at 12:35 PM
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Hi Moomin,
I was at my most unwell from 2006 - 2007, when I was a very regular user of these boards. I'm well now and work in a position in which I help others in difficulty.
When I first became very unwell, I was in denial about the impact of my illness on my work. Looking back now, I realise I wasn't in the position to be doing the job I was doing. Thankfully, my employers stepped in and helped me realise I needed to take some time out. I was supported (by some exceptionally understanding employers) to take a year's unpaid leave, during which time I returned to a past employer in a less demanding job.
That year was a lifesaver. I wasn't always on top form, but because I had explained to my employers what was going on for me, they helped me to manage the problems I was having. Like you, I had a risk assessment in place (particularly because I was having some frightening dissociative experiences at the time and there was concern about the impact of that should it occur whilst doing some aspects of my job) - but that was more to protect them. What was helpful to me was having people who understood that I was very competent at my work, but because of what I was dealing with I might need just a bit of extra support now and then (for example, I remember having some problems concentrating at that time because of the intensity of the work I was doing in therapy - my line manager said that she was aware I might struggle to concentrate and understood why, so in supervision we devised a list of alternative tasks that I might turn my mind to at those times to ensure I was still working - how supportive is that?!). My employers were also aware that I might need to come in a bit late should I have had a tough therapy session beforehand, and we agreed that should that happen, I would just work that bit later to make up for it.
In fact, just writing this makes me realise how very fantastic my employers were - both those that granted me a year out, and those who supported me through it (I'm actually considering writing to acknowledge it...!) I went back to my 'proper' job in 2007, having had the chance to work through enough of my issues in therapy to be able to do a good enough job (whilst still continuing with therapy... which my employers supported and accommodated).
I don't think I could have coped with NOT working during that time - because i would have had all that time to engage in my ED and to ruminate on what was happening in my therapy. I think work is really really important. It also made me feel valued and reminded me that despite what was happening, I wasn't completely useless - I still had some very worthwhile skills to contribute to society. That said though, I couldn't have continued to work in the more demanding job either.
So, I guess it depends on the nature of your work, and whether you can continue to meet the demands of the role whilst not sacrificing your own health. Perhaps there is an occupational health advisor who could support you to take on less demanding tasks for the timebeing? Or perhaps, like mine, your employers will support you to manage your work whilst working through your issues?
I don't know the answer, but I wanted to share some of my experiences - that work whilst working through these issues is really tough, but that with the right support it can be invaluable! Good luck.
Caitlin xxx
Posted on April 22, 2012 at 11:02 PM
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Hi Adele,
I found it frustrating looking for private treatment.
- psychotherapy takes a HUGE amount of commitment so they need to be sure that folk will show that commitment. - but in any event, I didn't give up and finally got the help I needed. And it has changed my life!
You're not alone - this happened to me too - but do keep trying... you are worth it!
Caitlin x
Posted on April 20, 2012 at 6:11 PM
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